All Systems Go

Looking to the horizon.

Feeling overwhelmed and intimidated.

And hopeful.

At Hog Island in my favorite Ferry Building in San Francisco, on our weekend's trip to the Bay Area.

Would love to be that person who's writing long insightful essays and keeping you

completely up-to-date, but at least I'm checking in.

That's as much as I can do for now.

Ginkgo

No snow-angels to be had here in Sacramento, but the falling leaves are beautiful. Today we discovered this lovely ginkgo tree (the largest I've ever seen!) in Capitol Park. Sunshine incarnate.

Moments of Art

I set my alarm for Early today. I wanted to get up Early so bad, I even woke up before my alarm went off. And I actually got out of bed!

There were plenty of things I could have spent my time doing, but I wanted this time to be for me. Once I had the time, and had gotten my tea and stretched a little, I thought, "Now what the hell do I do?" And a little voice said, "You could paint!" So I did.

As is usual, I didn't know when mommyhood would call me away, so I moved quickly. Here's what the spirit moved me to paint this morning.

And very very interestingly, the link that I gave to SARK's Doing More Things Badly post insisted instead on connecting to an entry about her new book, called Glad No Matter What: Transforming Loss and Change into Gift and Opportunity. Hmm! Synchronicity strikes!

Moments of Art

In the spirit of Doing More Things Badly, I took the opportunity to paint. When painting with my little one around, I'm never sure how long I'll have to create. So I just let whatever is in there flow, as the spirit moves me. It's challenging for the powerful perfectionist critic in me to allow such amateur art. But, you know what? I am an amateur! :-D I'm not expecting people to want to give me money for it, and I don't have to submit it for a grade. It's just for my own pleasure and process.

Here's what the spirit moved me to paint for myself. I love words, so they usually find their way into my art.

Some of it I like. All of it was worth doing.

Gratitude: For Gratitude's Sake

A great way to start the month ~ with gratitude. Our family has embarked on a ritual that will hopefully become a habit: of sharing at breakfast what we are grateful for everyday. We wrote down what we shared in a journal. Honestly, for people who consider ourselves brightside-lookers and sunnyside-seekers, we got off to a rickety start! It is my hope that I re-learn gratitude as a reflexive behavior.

Here's to setting the intention.

And interestingly synchronistic, my attention was brought to this Wall Street Journal article about the health benefits of gratitude just today.

Dear Reader: I am grateful for you. And I'm grateful for the outlet that this blog has given me for over five years now!

May it begin with me.

Gratitude: For Friends

Geez, I've just totally fallen off. I feel a lot of motivation to do a lot of things ~ but not blog! Not ever going to become an "A-list Blogger" this way! ;-D

I still don't feel like I have the time to really write something, but I at least want to send out a love note for the recent visit we had with Old Friends. As long as I have been friends with Gemini Cricket, I felt as if this visit brought our friendship full circle. This is the goal we'd been aiming for for well over five years when we chose to stop calling ourselves marriage partners and call ourselves good friends instead: getting to the easy, fun part! We have definitely had glimpses of it. But since our wee ones came along, we haven't found the time and space. Until this week. : )

Ahhhh! It felt good.

Cheers, Old Friends!

And also, Cheers to my New Friend: Stella Firefly. That feels really good.

Cup-of-Milk Buddies

Gemini: my oldest dear friend. We've been close since we were 18!

That's quite a while ago by now..

Hot Mama Honeybee: has more energy and drive

than most women I know

~ even while still recovering from radiation!

Health: now that's something to be grateful for!

Pretty darn cozy.!

For the most part the week was spent just chillin' in our new place ~ playing music, laughing at the little girls as they played, and enjoying plenty of good food and drink. Though I don't have photos of them all, I am thankful for, and to, everyone who crossed our doormat, helping our new house feel much more like a home this Thanksgiving. I love you all!!

Lessons from the Mire, and Inspiration

ever-contemplative ~ self portrait from this summer

Oh my! As you might have guessed, I've been in the thick of it all! Underneath my Now Experience and there for a short time trying to get my head back above water.

I recently retook the Myers-Briggs test, amazingly to find I came up the same as I did in...10th grade(?). I'm sure some of the numbers have shifted under the letters, but still = INFP. Reading the various personality summaries available online for this type left me sheepish in their feeling of accuracy, but also hopeful: I am the way I have been for quite some time. Working with that could be easier than wishing it were another way. Or wishing my husband were another way (heehee). The INFP was described as a dreamy, imaginative sort ~ thinking more about "what could be" or "what might be" than what is, which resonated with me and my uber- passionately idealistic leanings. But what doesn't seem to mesh with that is how I have trouble seeing past five feet in front of me, or thinking past the here-and-now. This might seem like a really Zen way of being, but to me it often seems like I can let myself feel mired in muck when it's actually only a two-foot long puddle. :-)

All that to say that we have SUCH EXCITEMENT coming down the pike. Our dreams are fashioning themselves into reality. I certainly plan to tell you much more about that soon. But at the moment, all I can see is this moment.

And it's been a challenge lately. The move ~ mainly all the STUFF ~ has really brought some personal ... baggage ... up to the surface, has highlighted some of our weaknesses, and caused us to go back to the drawing board day after day: "I'm sorry. I love you. This STUFF is sparking these issues. Let's keep working." This has helped us solidify our agreement that we DON'T WANT a bunch of CRAP. And has called attention, painfully, to the fact that our attachment and reactions to boxes of material items get in the way of our living Life. Whew!

(And it's dark inside our house and we're really disappointed about that.)

The idealist that the Myers-Briggs test affirms that I am, as I have slogged through this present mire, I have had a philosophical soliloquy alive in my head the whole time, about "the way things are done" ~ for us, for most Americans, the industrialized world and the industrial food system, animals, economics, ethics, the ocean, plastic, on and on... And it goes something like this: things don't have to be this way. I look around and most everything I see can be an example ~ especially with the political drama of late.

So I was refreshed and found new focus when I happened upon a website brimming with hope and solutions and beauty and warmth: A Low-Impact Woodland Home ~ about a family building and living by Permaculture principles in Wales. And I followed and read almost every link from start to finish. People are doing what we envision doing! Living intentionally. Living intentionally in Nature. Living with less ~ much less. Getting dirty in the Earth everyday. Creating and crafting and making by hand just because it's worth it (and most likely will be useful again one day..). Living this way with children. And collecting together as community to do it. Beautifully. Abundantly. Joyfully. And finding great satisfaction.

That thought I keep coming back to is: things don't have to be done the way they are usually done nowadays here in the US.

And, what I have been reminded of (from sources like Castles in the Sky) again and again more recently is: things are done differently other places.

And, what websites of projects like this say to me is: most importantly, things can be done differently.

I want to be one of the people doing things differently for the better.

Now to finish unpacking the last of those boxes, and send yet another load off to Freecycle and Goodwill.

(ouch! why did no one tell me i had a glaring typo in that next-to-last line!?!)

Soundtrack for Preparing a Birthday Dinner

Oh yeah! Get your booty shakin' while you're a-bakin'!

Here's my Rock Steady Pandora Station.

Dumbfounded

Don't even think that with all this unpacking, settling in, minimizing and dreaming, that I haven't been TOTALLY FIXATED on the fact that my sweet girl turns TWO years old on Monday! I'm just speechless. Dumbfounded. She has the key to my heart right in her increasingly independent hand.

How quickly do these precious days zoom by?

This quick.

Gratitude: For Family

Was I talking about gardening in that last post?

Yes, that's a nice side story,

but.

This: THIS is what it's all about! I love these people.

Our first official, homemade Family Dinner in our new home.

Cheers!

Tears. and Brightsides

I'm really supposed to be being otherwise-productive right now... Naptimes are only so long.. But I want to write this post to keep track for myself. And share a bit.

Moving is stressful. This move is stressful for us. Sealion and I exploded at each other yesterday morning (yuck. )-: ), and I left with Anjali on my back for a walk to get some fresh air. When we returned, Sealion and I resolved our issues (mostly acknowledging our stress and once again agreeing we shouldn't take offense at anything the other says before breakfast and coffee!), and I had a weeping big cry on his shoulder. He cried some, too. [And for the rest of the day, Anjali's "favorite phrase to repeat over and over and over" was "Mommy ky-ing (crying)." And then sometimes, "Papi ky."] We know the reasons we are moving to Sacramento, and feel good about our long-term goals. And even though we're not trying to re-create our Berkeley experience... it's not Berkeley... And we love Berkeley... and there is noisy construction work next door to this house in Sac... and a choir of small dogs who bark... and air conditioners that kick on and wake us in the middle of the night right outside our window... and... and... and! Boooohooooo!!!!!

After I wiped my eyes, we got in a sweet little bikeride on the awesomely bike-able, laid-back streets of Sac before Sealion had to leave for work. And visited the community garden our friend Clark has wanted us to join, right next to the industrial space he and a collective of others want to rent for a crafty-boy space ~ absolutely dreamy for Sealion.

appropriately named, eh?

The garden looked like most community gardens I've seen ~ a flat lot of delineated plots, some showing more upkeep and attention to artistic detail than others. Two folks were steadily working their plots when we rode up. The place was overflowing with the late-summer "Sac-o-tomato" tomatoes, gourds and beans, and tall- tall sunflowers bending their heads down in a sighing recognition of autumn.

A pile of mulch, bales of straw, a play area for kids, as well as a "Children's Garden" brimming with beans and gourds, and a welcoming shady area with hammock and swing and table and chairs.

Talking to the gardeners, we learned that this community garden is only a year old, with a toolshed in the making, and fruit trees just planted around the perimeter. And, optimistically, no one on the "waiting list" mentioned on the sign. We also learned that there are already chickens in the artists' colony lot next door, so it wouldn't be a stretch at all to build a coop and have a few there at the garden. (Sac is actually the only city in the whole state that doesn't allow backyard chickens ~ an effort to try to shed their "agricultural" image back in the day when it wasn't cool. It was put up for a vote to rescind, and then put off till next year, I hear. But since the community garden is in an industrially zoned area, it doesn't have to follow that law! :-) (Amazingly, our landlord in Berkeley found a family to rent the house who actually asked if they could keep the coop and the girls! So we are going to bring the two quietest ones here to Sac and put them up in Brian and Arlene's backyard in the coop that Brian has just finished. Shhh! Don't tell!) We like keeping chickens.

Well, this is quite a rambling post; none too tidy.

But my point was: feeling the dirt on my toes and the hot Sacramento sun on my back, seeing Anjali immediately content herself amidst the beans and the toy dumptrucks, envisioning a meal on the shaded table with the pleasantly chatty clucking of a new group of laying hens in the background...maybe some refreshing homegrown herbal tea...I could see myself spending time there. Finding a little bit of home. A very short bikeride away from our new place. And at least a step or two closer to our dreams.

I think it's gonna be ok.

A Week in Maui, or: My Love Affair with Flowers

The natural beauty abundant in Maui quickly romanced me. I learned that I am a warm-water-beach slut; give me a warm ocean to float in, and I'm ready to call the place home. ; ) When I wasn't gazing contentedly for hours at the aqua and indigo waters from our "Lana'i",

or scheming for an opportunity to immerse myself in their accepting embrace, I was flirting with the fragrant tropical flowers that literally tumbled at my feet from every shrub and tree.

Following the islands' tradition of decorating oneself with these luscious natural trinkets made me feel more feminine and delicious than Marilyn Monroe with a case full of diamonds. It did! Plumeria blossoms littered the lawn outside and begged to be put behind my ear.

A rainbow of hibiscus lined the sidewalks I traveled daily ~ so ubiquitous they practically advertised to be picked.

I'm sure the sun and surf fueled it, but with one of these delicate beauties behind my ear ~ not to mention a whole lei of real flowers around my neck(!), I smiled bigger.

Me and my mama ~ all lei'd up.

And took more self portraits than I have in years.

I felt like a lovely attractive flower myself.

See my collection of flower photos (and other vacation pics) here.

The Matter at Hand

Huh. I think we're moving. Whatta you think? We have been immensely fortunate in having family come to help us pack boxes and move Stuff.

Amazingly, Anjali and I have just returned from a week in Maui (!) with my mom and Sealion's mom, as well as Brian and Arlene, and all of their extended family. So while we were soaking up the restorative sun, surf, and gorgeous landscape of Maui, Sealion was mostly working, and Papa and Grandpa Chris were filling boxes and making trips with the Jetta and its trailer in between Berkeley and Sacramento. Boy do I feel lucky [understatement]!

Papa filling holes in the freshly-bare wall

Our almost-two-year-old spectates

I hope that I have the time to share a little bit here about my experience of Maui and Hawaii. It left an impression. And added to my growing theory about warm-beach-centered cultures ~ any society whose abundantly overarching adornment is fresh, fragrant flowers has to view life in a special way. I like it.

But now back to the boxes. And the insistent pondering of: how did we accumulate all this Crap?!! Even though we buy as much second-hand as we can, I'm feeling quite American in the obvious Consumption that all these boxes represent. Mainly with the inspiration of Your Money or Your Life, and also with a book called The Joy of Less, I'm making some hard culling decisions. Wish me continued strength and courage in this endeavor!

Oh, how frustrated Blogger makes me!!! I hate that this is all underlined, and in my techno-ignorance I can't fix it! So I'm leaving it like this even though it irritates the bejeezus out of me!!

grrrrr!!!

Being the Magic

This is what I'm talkin' about!

Fear is Your Ally

AKA: Courage

from our cross-country trip in 2005 ~ rainshower on the horizon.

From Rob Brezsny: "Life always delivers the creative energy you need to change into the new thing you must become."

As I sit here snuggled with a napping tiny girl, I look out the window, and: am I seeing things, or ~ is it raining?

It's raining.

In the Mediterranean climate of the Bay Area, summer is the dry season. It might rain once the whole season. And instead of a classic, White Christmas-style winter, we have a rainy season. This reminds me of so many years past, sitting in this same place: the expectation of the gray time, and anxious dread that I will go under again ~ into that foggy, nebulous, apathetic-unmotivated-sad-darkness of a hermit hole-turtle shell. And re-emerge: when? (wow! it's crazy-enlightening to go back and read all those posts [and even more so ~ the silences in between...] that are so indicative of the recurrent nature of this "Low Frequency", as my friend Michaelah calls it! ready for a solution? um. yeah.)

On the Lucent Dossier website, they now have a page for the Oracle ~ a weekly horoscope-like drawing of a stone and expounding on its wisdom. Here's one that caught my attention in the same week as my Bold Awakening settled in:

The stone of Courage focuses our awareness on our fears. Courage is facing your fears... Face your fears so wholeheartedly that fear becomes your ally! We typically avoid what we fear and fear itself as much as possible, but what are our fears trying to alert us to, what could our fears be pointing at that beckon our attention? What if the answers you seek lie in the path of your very fears... Allow your fear to be your guide... instead of taking cover when your fears arise, get excited and Go There, investigate, for the fear is most likely showing you towards an area of your life in which greater awareness will lead to greater understanding and learning about yourself (and your current situation or relationship). Encourage yourself, knowing that you are already greatly courageous by having the very courage to experience your fear in the first place. And as you dive into what has been up until now scary territory, living from this place your experience of fear begins to dissolve and reveal itself to be the energy or excitement that was always at its core. Sometimes what we sense as fear is simply an activity of energy, but since it revolves around something unknown we translate as fear. This activity of energy, or excitement, is our barometer for where we're at and where we want to go. It may be disguised as fear, but that only indicates that this is an area not yet known to us and thus highly potential for expanding our self awareness and unrevealed possibilities.

In his book, COURAGE... The Joy of Living Dangerously, OSHO speaks about how courage is not fearlessness, rather it is in fact being in the "total presence of fear."

My best girlfriend Woo confronted me with this question during late-night wine sipping on our recent girl-trip. I didn't feel like talking about it, because I'm feeling Up right now and would like to pretend that Down is never a possibility Ever Again, but she persisted (oh-so-lovingly and -gently ;-): what do you experience when you're depressed? What does it feel like? What would you like for your friends to do to help you when you're There?

Though I can describe how I feel when I'm There, I honestly didn't have an answer for her to that last question. But I'm ready to try to figure things out while I'm Here ~ in an Up place. Ready to gather the tools to help myself if/when I feel that way again. I'm not wanting to dwell on it or label it dysfunctional to give myself more baggage, but just to be mindful, open and extending for help. Empowered. Equipped. I am afraid. And I'm trying to use that fear as energy and a guiding light into the darkness.

I believe I have a leadership position to fulfill and that its time is coming soon. I'm not really sure how it will materialize or what it will look like. But I'm ready to prepare myself for that position, and to move on with awareness from this Moon-dominated period.

Right now I'm observing the patterns that exist, talking with friends, regularly taking fermented cod liver oil (for brain function) and nettle infusion (for energy), and researching Vitamin D supplementation.

If you have a suggestion for me, or if you have a vision of me as a leader, please let me know.

To-Go Ware

An Ad-VER-tissment

We had several people respond to our ad to rent this sunny Berkeley house. Interestingly, the entrepreneur of one of my favorite eco-conscious product lines, To-Go Ware, was one of them ~ thanks to a recommendation from our movin'-and-shakin' mutual girlfriend, Erica! What a cool "small world" connection. : )

We love our stainless steel To-Go Ware containers. We pack Papi's lunches in them everyday, we fill them with leftovers to go in the fridge, and take them to restaurants to use instead of disposable stuff ~ for take-out as well as doggy bags. We've used them for years, and I recommend them.

An Ad

move in day ~ right around this time...three years ago.

I sent this out to the two discussion lists I subscribe to ~ the San Francisco chapter of WAPF, and SFBUN ~ the Bay Area's Unschooling group. I've gotten several responses. My landlord should be paying me. ;-)

Hello ~
We are moving from this house we have loved for three years so it's up for rent. It is a cute one-plus story house (upstairs is a finished,
liveable bedroom or office but not built with the city's strict
permits) with two br and 1 ½ bath. The kitchen is spacious. It has two
living areas, and a working fireplace, hardwood and tile floors,
French doors, and tiled bath. The house is painted a warm yellow, and
has a deck and a driveway. Our family lived here happily with a
roommate for the past year. The rent was $2900, which might be right
for someone, considering the following:
The things we are in love with about this space are its location and
its backyard. It is just a couple blocks from the "Gourmet Ghetto" (with
its 2 grocery stores, restaurants, shops, etc.), near several
well-spoken-of schools, walking distance from two of Berkeley's
farmers' markets, downtown BART, and a short bike ride to Monterey
Market and the Tuesday farmers' market. The backyard is ample and
mostly flat. It has a prolific fig tree and a few yellow and red plum
trees, a coastal oak, and a large, beautiful redwood. We have
extensively gardened this backyard, adding 4 waist-high raised beds, a
tree- shaded patio, and a reed-grass fence to enclose the garden area,
and many perennials such as rosemary and lavender, butterfly bushes,
flowers, and herbs. This yard has been perfect for having laying hens
~ we have kept up to 9 of them over the past year. There is a gated
sideyard/walkway that gets some full sun and reflected light, and a
small front yard that is 100% shaded by a pine tree, and a neighbor's
large palm. The street is quiet and low-traffic, mixed with houses and
multi-family buildings. Also, the landlord is hands-off but
responsive, and a sweetie.
We have put so much time, love, and energy into this place, we'd love
for someone to move in who appreciated it.
Send me a message with any questions.
Thanks!

a wake-up that promises a glorious day:

early morning sunshine through my bedroom window.

Forward Movement

Bottle of wine acknowledging our move to Sacramento.

You think all these big thoughts, you dream all these big dreams, and then you still have to go to the grocery store the next day, tend to the perpetual parade of dirty dishes in the sink, and clean out the litter box (Reminds me of the Jack Kornfield Book, After the Ecstasy, the Laundry. I have felt pretty impatient with this whole Grand Scheme lately, so that an Everyday just feels too slow. So I'm reminding myself of the forward movement that is happening. We are doing things toward a purpose. Even though we can't see the end result at this time.

front door of our new place in Sacramento

celebration of the beginning of our lease

(I took so many photos, and none of them got every one of us perfect

[though Anjali looks adorable in every single one ;-)

and Arlene looks gorgeous in every single one

and I look absolutely goofy in every single one].

So this one will have to do).

This week Sealion has been in Southern California with Miles, taking a workshop at Calearth. They're learning how to construct Superadobe buildings ~ the kind we'll build in Baja. And from what I've gathered from our short text and phone conversations throughout the week, the comraderie, inspiration, and networking with other folks around the world doing similar projects, seems equally as important as the actual learning and doing process of constructing earth bag buildings. Not to mention all that good physical labor, fresh air and hot sun, campfires and stars to reinforce what's learned and absorbed!

photos sent to me from Sealion's phone.

building with earth bags.

shaping up.

working into the night. with christmas lights. and beer.

Now: to stuff the bags and hop on that camel!

Asleep, with Glitter

Yep: she's our girl alright!

("gyiddah")

Wake Up Call ~ part two

(soundtrack: India.Arie's "Strength, Courage, and Wisdom")

From my astrologer, Rob Brezsny (a recap):

Capricorn Horoscope for week of August 19, 2010

The poet Jean Perrin dreamed "of marrying the dawn with the light of the moon," and I invite you to do the same. The darkness you've been immersed in will leave you soon. As it does, please don't forsake the pale, moon-like radiance that has provided you with a bit of guidance and consolation. Rather, bring along what it has taught you as you head into the far brighter phase you're entering. In other words, retain some of the wisdom the dim light has compelled you to learn.

memento

In part one of this essay, I only partially responded to this thought-provoking horoscope from Rob Brezsny; I heard the good news, but I didn't heed the advice. What have I learned during this watery moon time? What wisdom will I take with me into the Sunshine?

It has definitely been a moon-centered time - creating and growing a child is all about dark feminine energy! Moist, soft, and fertile, quiet and slow. Many women grew up thinking of themselves as future mommies. But not me; it wasn't until I met the father of my child at age 29 that I even entertained the idea for any amount of time. Learning to trust that I was mommy-material took a huge amount of inner growth. Am I reliable? Am I trustworthy? Am I Responsible? Am I a worthy example to follow? These questions weighed on my heart. When my husband left to return to work mere days after Anjali emerged from my belly, I wept deeply with the intimidating task at hand, still very much recovering physically from a week-long labor and subsequent emergent C-section. Anjali was a patient but insistent teacher.
I am delighted to have this little person to share life with. Every day she blossoms more and more into herself. I marvel in her fresh eyes and creative wisdom. And I feel confident and good in my role as Mommy-guide-partner to this wondrous being. What a gift from the Moon!

I have also come to rest strong in my understanding of nutrition and good food. This understanding - that we are animals, just like every other animal, that evolved to eat a certain way to meet our bodily needs - makes ultimate sense to my core. We are not zebras, birds, cats, or even gorillas; we are humans with certain physiological characteristics and evolutionary expectations that demand for optimum functioning that we eat certain things. Our clever minds may talk us into believing we can do it differently. We might create things in labs that, on paper, seem to meet our needs. But Nature is magically holistic. We are not merely the sum of our parts or the end of an equation. As much as my herbivore-commiserate heart would love to believe different: To create viable offspring* we need to eat animal products. "Life takes life." This truth is no less Earthly than a migrating butterfly, a running cheetah, or a hitchhiking dandelion seed on the wind. It is not right or wrong or good or bad; it just is. HOW we go about it is what determines whether our actions have positive or negative results. And in the end the trees will eat us just as we have eaten.
(*whether we believe humans should be allowed to continue is another topic altogether. And in the end, we won't be the ones to decide, thankfully. "Nature bats last.")
The details - the what and the how - are what I learned and cooked for years as I studied the work of Weston Price and volunteered and apprenticed at Three Stone Hearth community-supported kitchen. Good Food isn't a fad or fashion, it is a way of knowing whereby our ancestors thrived, that was passed down to the next generation through culinary tradition. And though our lifestyle has changed dramatically over the last 100 or so years, our guts have not. Good Food tastes delicious and deeply satisfies our hunger because it meets our needs at the cellular level. This tradition of nourishment is my largest wealth of knowledge and my greatest passion. (For more of this hearty deliciousness, I invite you to step into my kitchen, food-a-file.)

What other knowledge can I take with me into the sunshine? I'm learning how to be my own friend. That my negative-feeling emotions aren't "bad" things that need to be stuffed, squelched, and hidden, but guideposts to help me hear my inner truth and how to take care of myself. I'm learning to listen to anger, jealousy, and fear to hear what they have to teach me. I'm learning to be less hard on myself, and also more gentle on my self. I'm learning that deep nourishment heals - it's no longer just something I "should" do, it's something I want to do. I even might be learning that the different phases of my cycle and the way they effect me can be gifts to USE instead of biological curses to rue. (maybe. ;)

A huge gift of knowledge from the Moon: I have Integrity. Probably I learned as a kid to perform in order to receive approval from everyone I met. I was a chameleon who lapped up praise and attention like a cat licks cream. But I didn't know who I was, or what I was or wasn't willing to agree with/to in order to gain that acceptance. I was a whole lot of fun, but I wouldn't call myself consistent or honest (perhaps especially with myself). I trust myself now. I know what I believe and I don't need you to agree with me to feel ok about myself.
Now I'm ready to be fun again. :)

good stuff here

I've been pretty lonely. The last few years have been solitary. But I've found that I have a few (wonderful!!!) friends, and I've even made a few. They have stuck with me even when I didn't feel stick-worthy. They have believed in me when I didn't believe myself. What a blessing! Mirrors to reflect my truth. Deep pockets of real wealth. Thank you! I love you!

Very importantly, I've learned to really trust my husband. Throughout our relationship I believe I have been testing him, possibly even trying to get him to go away. He is solid. He might not understand every aspect of my mysterious and watery being, but he supports me. He truly desires to help me be the best Me possible. At our best together, our strengths balance and enhance each other. At our worst - at least we are willing to stick it out together, and don't mind quickly kissing and making up, even when we agree to disagree. Ahhh. We are blessed.

Well, it sounds as if I *have* learned a few things! Moon Mother may I: please go play in the sunshine? (and from what I've been learning about Vitamin D - I'm hoping I can keep myself feeling sunny even far north of our tropical paradise! This sounds promising...)