tha's right

overwhelmed yet again. awakenings and realizations wash over me as does the sunlight through the window pane. i am different, changed, renewed.
my birthday: i eat a bite of my mother's wedding cake sent through the mail. a blessed gift. white tulip petals embellish the cream-colored cake. moist nourishing good.

what a year. i felt the building storm on the wind for at least a year before it hit.
glad saturn doesn't return every year; i'd get nothing done--or everything. rollercoaster whirlwind drowning rebirth. forgiveness.
my bestfriend/soultwin and i got a divorce. my only sister died after a lifetime of pain and illness. i moved across the country from my homeland to california. i fell in love and moved in with my mate.


5 a.m. on new year's, after the crazy festivities, in the quiet of the car, my sweet sealion and i had our own "happy new year" kiss (i was on stage when the clock struck midnight, so we were separate for the "official" kiss). i said, "it's 2006! i made it!" at that precise moment a wave of recognition flooded my heart. i didn't realize the significance of what i'd said. all of 2005: details of bitter pain and loss, confusion, my heart ripped out as definitively as if i'd lost a limb. all this sprang forth as i sobbed deeply from my gut. for just a minute or two. just long enough for acknowledgement. and then i had to reopen my eyes to the present: the here and now and blessed.
as i've said probably too much for some: i love my life. i love my family of friends and loved ones. the sun is shining and the world is an adventure. i am more honest with myself, and love myself, more than i have in a very very long time. and every day i feel closer to that sparkly little girl i was when i was seven (i even found the rainbow striped sweater! :). to you, i say: thank you for putting up with me, thank you for calling (even though i rarely answered), thanks for your patience, thank you for your insight, thank you for continuing to dance even when i couldn't find it inside myself. thank you for being my companion on this path as long as you will be. and thank you for everyday being the person/people who inspire me and add that extra zing to my smirk. you show me how to do it. you make it worthwhile.

i love you.
~~tif