Fear is Your Ally

AKA: Courage

from our cross-country trip in 2005 ~ rainshower on the horizon.

From Rob Brezsny: "Life always delivers the creative energy you need to change into the new thing you must become."

As I sit here snuggled with a napping tiny girl, I look out the window, and: am I seeing things, or ~ is it raining?

It's raining.

In the Mediterranean climate of the Bay Area, summer is the dry season. It might rain once the whole season. And instead of a classic, White Christmas-style winter, we have a rainy season. This reminds me of so many years past, sitting in this same place: the expectation of the gray time, and anxious dread that I will go under again ~ into that foggy, nebulous, apathetic-unmotivated-sad-darkness of a hermit hole-turtle shell. And re-emerge: when? (wow! it's crazy-enlightening to go back and read all those posts [and even more so ~ the silences in between...] that are so indicative of the recurrent nature of this "Low Frequency", as my friend Michaelah calls it! ready for a solution? um. yeah.)

On the Lucent Dossier website, they now have a page for the Oracle ~ a weekly horoscope-like drawing of a stone and expounding on its wisdom. Here's one that caught my attention in the same week as my Bold Awakening settled in:

The stone of Courage focuses our awareness on our fears. Courage is facing your fears... Face your fears so wholeheartedly that fear becomes your ally! We typically avoid what we fear and fear itself as much as possible, but what are our fears trying to alert us to, what could our fears be pointing at that beckon our attention? What if the answers you seek lie in the path of your very fears... Allow your fear to be your guide... instead of taking cover when your fears arise, get excited and Go There, investigate, for the fear is most likely showing you towards an area of your life in which greater awareness will lead to greater understanding and learning about yourself (and your current situation or relationship). Encourage yourself, knowing that you are already greatly courageous by having the very courage to experience your fear in the first place. And as you dive into what has been up until now scary territory, living from this place your experience of fear begins to dissolve and reveal itself to be the energy or excitement that was always at its core. Sometimes what we sense as fear is simply an activity of energy, but since it revolves around something unknown we translate as fear. This activity of energy, or excitement, is our barometer for where we're at and where we want to go. It may be disguised as fear, but that only indicates that this is an area not yet known to us and thus highly potential for expanding our self awareness and unrevealed possibilities.

In his book, COURAGE... The Joy of Living Dangerously, OSHO speaks about how courage is not fearlessness, rather it is in fact being in the "total presence of fear."

My best girlfriend Woo confronted me with this question during late-night wine sipping on our recent girl-trip. I didn't feel like talking about it, because I'm feeling Up right now and would like to pretend that Down is never a possibility Ever Again, but she persisted (oh-so-lovingly and -gently ;-): what do you experience when you're depressed? What does it feel like? What would you like for your friends to do to help you when you're There?

Though I can describe how I feel when I'm There, I honestly didn't have an answer for her to that last question. But I'm ready to try to figure things out while I'm Here ~ in an Up place. Ready to gather the tools to help myself if/when I feel that way again. I'm not wanting to dwell on it or label it dysfunctional to give myself more baggage, but just to be mindful, open and extending for help. Empowered. Equipped. I am afraid. And I'm trying to use that fear as energy and a guiding light into the darkness.

I believe I have a leadership position to fulfill and that its time is coming soon. I'm not really sure how it will materialize or what it will look like. But I'm ready to prepare myself for that position, and to move on with awareness from this Moon-dominated period.

Right now I'm observing the patterns that exist, talking with friends, regularly taking fermented cod liver oil (for brain function) and nettle infusion (for energy), and researching Vitamin D supplementation.

If you have a suggestion for me, or if you have a vision of me as a leader, please let me know.

To-Go Ware

An Ad-VER-tissment

We had several people respond to our ad to rent this sunny Berkeley house. Interestingly, the entrepreneur of one of my favorite eco-conscious product lines, To-Go Ware, was one of them ~ thanks to a recommendation from our movin'-and-shakin' mutual girlfriend, Erica! What a cool "small world" connection. : )

We love our stainless steel To-Go Ware containers. We pack Papi's lunches in them everyday, we fill them with leftovers to go in the fridge, and take them to restaurants to use instead of disposable stuff ~ for take-out as well as doggy bags. We've used them for years, and I recommend them.

Plastic is Forever

(this is also the title of a blog.)

Haven't done an ad-VER-tissment or public service announcement in a while...


For years now, I have had a passion for avoiding plastic if at all possible. Not only is plastic aesthetically displeasing to me, it is toxic to our bodies - especially for tiny young people (and the marine life who unintentionally ingest it), and IT NEVER GOES AWAY.

I have felt fanatical along the way (even though our house is by no means plastic-free, still) - investing in cloth shower curtains, washing, rewashing, and then tying knots in produce bags that I already had, avoiding buying yummy items like fresh mozzarella and cottage cheese that are packaged in plastic, and trying to make successful homemade alternatives to personal care products like deodorant and shampoo to replace plastic-bottled products (which often contain petroleum products - even if they are marketed to be "green" and healthy!).
My attention was drawn to a blog, Fake Plastic Fish, written by a woman who has taken this preoccupation (once you take notice, you realize plastic is in and on most everything!) to the next level. Here's her list of tips on how to live new-plastic-free. I was pleased that I was already putting many into practice. And also moved to step up my efforts a notch.

photos taken while nursing

365

that's the number of posts i've written on this blog.  this makes 366.

a year's worth of entries over the course of the four years i've had this blog.  

four years ago: 

i was 29.  i lived in Lexington, KY, and was working as a barista at Third Street Stuff.  my sister Misha had just passed, Mister Gemini and i were bringing to a legal close that seven year portion of our relationship that we spent as a married couple, and i was sorting my belongings to move across the continent to big ol' C-A.  running sometimes twice a day to calm my mind and spirit.  and drinking a lot of whiskey.

in the four years since: 

i performed and created costumes with my dream company Lucent Dossier (then Vaudeville Cirque, now Experience) in LA for the unequivocal performance time of my life. i fell in love and moved in with Sealion (and good friend Mackindaddy) in Sacramento, attended Burning Man for the first through third times. i auditioned for and got accepted to dance with a most auspicious (but now defunct) bellydance company, Ultra Gypsy, and passed on it.  followed my guiding star to study food ~ attending Bauman College's Natural Chef program, and then working extensively and finally apprenticing at Three Stone Hearth Community Supported Kitchen, began eating meat again for the first time since i was 16.  i ran a half, then a whole marathon (26.2 miles).  i married Sealion in the Black Rock Desert (then at the Sacto courthouse), moved to Berkeley, got pregnant, and had baby Anjali Sage after a week-long labor at home with a midwife that ended in an emergent C-section. 

right now:  i am a Mommy.  i am 33 years old.  i garden, sew, prepare and eat good food from the farmers' markets, walk and bike with my husband and baby, read, write and take pictures, and watch iTunes movies in bed at night with headphones.  i am cultivating a community close by.  each of my parents is retiring this summer.  my husband and i are investigating buying a house here in Berkeley.  i don't jog or dance nearly as much as i'd like to.  i drink close to a quart of  raw whole milk from Claravale Farm a day.  

(right-right now:  i'm eating a chicken salad sandwich while reclining in bed next to my sleeping almost-seven-month-old daughter, and my cat, Kitty, who is purring suspiciously close to that mug of raw milk on the nightstand.)    

i don't like to look back, nor do i revel much in past accomplishments.  i don't believe in "the good ol' days," preferring instead to believe that life can be lived in fullness any time we pay attention.  but i can't help but think i'd be hard-pressed to find a chunk of four years that are as dynamic as the past four.  there certainly were lulls and lows, but lots of highlights i left out of this little synopsis for brevity.  

this blog doesn't fully represent "me" the past four years, but it says a lot.  the silences oftentimes as much as the posts, what i leave out as much as i include.  it has evolved to be something i approach quite thoughtfully and mindfully.  i attempt to "put my best face forward" while at the same time being as authentic and honest as i can bare.  i hope to reach audience members who feel they can relate, and to help them not to feel alone.  and i would rather focus on the beauty of life as i see it ~ without airbrushing.  

when i was practicing dance in preparation for that big audition, i taped up a teabag wrapper for every time i practiced (as was my art ~ incorporating discarded items, pictures, and words in collage form, on fabric, butcher paper, on every surface and any wall).  this was to demonstrate to myself that, though the little bit didn't feel like much, bit by bit became a long line of green paper squares that extended across the wall, and rehearsals that led to a prepared audition.  these days, i don't have to tape teabag wrappers as i have a child who grows literally before my eyes.  starting out as a single cell inside of me, she has developed to be the 17-pound center of my life.  she embodies the idea that big shifts happen "day by day" and "minute by minute," as it's sung in one of my favorite Brett Dennen songs.  as quickly as Anjali grows and changes, i am urgently reminded to be present for each of those day-by-days.   

so, 365 posts later, here i am and here we are.  i am appreciative of the voice this blog gives me, and appreciative of those of you who come back again and again.  cheers!    

(ha!  i got quite link-happy here.   i think that's kind of a give-away of how contemplative this blog post made me, and how much later i'm awake than i planned to be. . i could keep going, linking words to previous entries, but ~ i'm sleepy.  gold star for anyone who clicks on every link.  or maybe a swat on the behind to say, "hey ~ close the friggin' computer and go outside!")     

mindful re-minder

(i could be frustrated and spend an hour trying to fix this font that blogger has dictated, but i'm going to let it slide and get on with my day. . )

I'm plenty cheesy, and I'm not above self-help.  I have read quite a few advice books and how-to books about happiness and fulfillment.  And over the years I have subscribed to various websites that send little notes to my inbox reminding me to choose my mentality.  So it is not surprising that I am seeking the advice of confident parents whose philosophies resonate with me.  Although Scott Noelle's daily blurbs, entitled, "The Daily Groove", are child-related, often I don't think they're parenting-specific.  The following one really hit home for me in my perfectionist tendencies.  Sealion and I have applied it with quite a bit of success in our daily life ~ one fraught with trying to "do it right", and many the heated conversation on the whys and why nots of parenting choices.  Perhaps it might speak to you in your life.   

I'd Rather Feel Good!

by Scott Noelle, posted on 2006-05-30

We've been conditioned by the agents of our culture — parents, teachers, the media, etc. — to believe that our success and happiness depend on being "right."

Today, let's question that...

When you argue with your child, you may be "right," but do you feel happy?

When you criticize your partner, you may be "right," but do you feel love?

When you berate yourself for making a mistake, you get to be "right" about your wrongness! Are we having fun yet???

If you feel stress today — even mild tension — ask yourself if you're trying to be "right" about something, and consider the potential relief of simply letting it go.

Just breathe... and tell yourself, "I'd rather feel good than be right!"

a moment of calm

parenting requires me to be "on" all the time.  if i may use a river rafting analogy, it seems that there are few still and slow pools, and more waves to navigate.  they may not all be Class IV rapids, but they require navigation, nonetheless.  so riding the waves with a bit of a gameplan perhaps, some clarity, and a light heart, feels necessary.  

things have felt stressful for me lately.  there has been plenty plenty of good and fun ~ even some easy, but .. some stress.   i took this photo because this morning i felt successful under these conditions.  my heart felt calm.  

  

 taking note of these moments in life is helpful.

note the highchair. . 

(i feel as if i look worn out in every photo i take of myself lately.  even ones that i take to show myself what i look like when i feel energetic..  but i feel it's important to show them.)