from our cross-country trip in 2005 ~ rainshower on the horizon.
As I sit here snuggled with a napping tiny girl, I look out the window, and: am I seeing things, or ~ is it raining?
It's raining.
In the Mediterranean climate of the Bay Area, summer is the dry season. It might rain once the whole season. And instead of a classic, White Christmas-style winter, we have a rainy season. This reminds me of so many years past, sitting in this same place: the expectation of the gray time, and anxious dread that I will go under again ~ into that foggy, nebulous, apathetic-unmotivated-sad-darkness of a hermit hole-turtle shell. And re-emerge: when? (wow! it's crazy-enlightening to go back and read all those posts [and even more so ~ the silences in between...] that are so indicative of the recurrent nature of this "Low Frequency", as my friend Michaelah calls it! ready for a solution? um. yeah.)
On the Lucent Dossier website, they now have a page for the Oracle ~ a weekly horoscope-like drawing of a stone and expounding on its wisdom. Here's one that caught my attention in the same week as my Bold Awakening settled in:
The stone of Courage focuses our awareness on our fears. Courage is facing your fears... Face your fears so wholeheartedly that fear becomes your ally! We typically avoid what we fear and fear itself as much as possible, but what are our fears trying to alert us to, what could our fears be pointing at that beckon our attention? What if the answers you seek lie in the path of your very fears... Allow your fear to be your guide... instead of taking cover when your fears arise, get excited and Go There, investigate, for the fear is most likely showing you towards an area of your life in which greater awareness will lead to greater understanding and learning about yourself (and your current situation or relationship). Encourage yourself, knowing that you are already greatly courageous by having the very courage to experience your fear in the first place. And as you dive into what has been up until now scary territory, living from this place your experience of fear begins to dissolve and reveal itself to be the energy or excitement that was always at its core. Sometimes what we sense as fear is simply an activity of energy, but since it revolves around something unknown we translate as fear. This activity of energy, or excitement, is our barometer for where we're at and where we want to go. It may be disguised as fear, but that only indicates that this is an area not yet known to us and thus highly potential for expanding our self awareness and unrevealed possibilities.In his book, COURAGE... The Joy of Living Dangerously, OSHO speaks about how courage is not fearlessness, rather it is in fact being in the "total presence of fear."
My best girlfriend Woo confronted me with this question during late-night wine sipping on our recent girl-trip. I didn't feel like talking about it, because I'm feeling Up right now and would like to pretend that Down is never a possibility Ever Again, but she persisted (oh-so-lovingly and -gently ;-): what do you experience when you're depressed? What does it feel like? What would you like for your friends to do to help you when you're There?
Though I can describe how I feel when I'm There, I honestly didn't have an answer for her to that last question. But I'm ready to try to figure things out while I'm Here ~ in an Up place. Ready to gather the tools to help myself if/when I feel that way again. I'm not wanting to dwell on it or label it dysfunctional to give myself more baggage, but just to be mindful, open and extending for help. Empowered. Equipped. I am afraid. And I'm trying to use that fear as energy and a guiding light into the darkness.
I believe I have a leadership position to fulfill and that its time is coming soon. I'm not really sure how it will materialize or what it will look like. But I'm ready to prepare myself for that position, and to move on with awareness from this Moon-dominated period.
Right now I'm observing the patterns that exist, talking with friends, regularly taking fermented cod liver oil (for brain function) and nettle infusion (for energy), and researching Vitamin D supplementation.
If you have a suggestion for me, or if you have a vision of me as a leader, please let me know.
3 comments:
You know I understand.
I've found that when I start slipping, the moment I start slipping, if I can start thinking of a way to be proactive, it helps tremendously. For example, if I feel sad that work is taking me away from Stella too much, instead of dwelling on that reality, I make a plan to have a special "mommy-Stella day" in the near future, and I spend as much mental energy as I can thinking of fun things to do for that. It, (along with fish oil pills and exercise), is really helping.
nothing restores me like a long walk in the woods followed by conversation with friends and some music. for me, depressed thoughts are always a result of low awareness and turning my energy outward helps.
i'm thinking a lot about how i would visualize you as a leader. who are you leading? your friends, an imagined audience, yourself...? i think your willingness to live by your own convictions makes you a leader already. when was the last time somebody was able to make you do something your didn't want to? (i'd like to see them try!)
thanks for blogging, it's always good to hear your voice.
Randi ~ thanks for your note. I think that pro-active-ness is so important. And how could I overlook exercise! Trying to get more of that, too.
Josh ~ yes ~ the outdoors! How I miss it! I'm laughing at your saying, "when was the last time somebody was able to make you do something you didn't want to do?" Haha! I definitely share traits with mules as much as I do with tortoises. ; ) Thanks. You know me well. : )
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