Wednesday, January 04, 2006

tha's right

overwhelmed yet again. awakenings and realizations wash over me as does the sunlight through the window pane. i am different, changed, renewed.
my birthday: i eat a bite of my mother's wedding cake sent through the mail. a blessed gift. white tulip petals embellish the cream-colored cake. moist nourishing good.

what a year. i felt the building storm on the wind for at least a year before it hit.
glad saturn doesn't return every year; i'd get nothing done--or everything. rollercoaster whirlwind drowning rebirth. forgiveness.
my bestfriend/soultwin and i got a divorce. my only sister died after a lifetime of pain and illness. i moved across the country from my homeland to california. i fell in love and moved in with my mate.

5 a.m. on new year's, after the crazy festivities, in the quiet of the car, my sweet sealion and i had our own "happy new year" kiss (i was on stage when the clock struck midnight, so we were separate for the "official" kiss). i said, "it's 2006! i made it!" at that precise moment a wave of recognition flooded my heart. i didn't realize the significance of what i'd said. all of 2005: details of bitter pain and loss, confusion, my heart ripped out as definitively as if i'd lost a limb. all this sprang forth as i sobbed deeply from my gut. for just a minute or two. just long enough for acknowledgement. and then i had to reopen my eyes to the present: the here and now and blessed.
as i've said probably too much for some: i love my life. i love my family of friends and loved ones. the sun is shining and the world is an adventure. i am more honest with myself, and love myself, more than i have in a very very long time. and every day i feel closer to that sparkly little girl i was when i was seven (i even found the rainbow striped sweater! :). to you, i say: thank you for putting up with me, thank you for calling (even though i rarely answered), thanks for your patience, thank you for your insight, thank you for continuing to dance even when i couldn't find it inside myself. thank you for being my companion on this path as long as you will be. and thank you for everyday being the person/people who inspire me and add that extra zing to my smirk. you show me how to do it. you make it worthwhile.

i love you.

1 comment:

ecogyrl said...

ah, my sweet inspiration. as soon as i catch my breath, you knock the wind back out again. you will forever lurk on the edges of my dreams (when you are not center stage) and give to them all the sparkly merriment meant for nighttime meanderings. happy love day, gorgeous! i love you, i lust you, i love you!