Wednesday, October 19, 2005

lesson #5-billion-87


for many years my philosophy was to live without leaving a wake. i thought this was the peaceful solution--harming nothing and no one (and perhaps not getting hurt myself). a bunny rabbit with no teeth, i began to feel as if i passed through life as a ghost. no matter how active i tried to make my existence, i felt like i was on the periphery. successful in my own right, my victories won me no feeling of substance. when i chose to be herbivore no more--i'd been a vegetarian for twelve years, and all of my adult life--it symbolized my jumping back into the food chain of living, my willingness to bite and to get bitten. years later (how many has it been, ho-swah?) the effects have been sizeable and dramatic. surface ripples indicating deeper turbulances below. branches and fruit once held in the secret of unseen seeds.
lately i've felt as if i'd received some universal pardon, like there was a crack in the woodwork--a loophole in the redtape of life, i slid through, and somehow got lucky. perhaps the universe wasn't looking, or even forgiving me for pretending i was a filament of guileless plankton all those years (er somethin' like that). i was asking--and receiving!
used to skimming lightly over the surface, it's quite a challenge to captain this bigger boat. i make --what feel like-- small corrections to the rudder, and the thing veers wildly to one side.
so the issue that has been coming up a lot for me lately is that of responsibility. being accountable for the power to make waves. learning that it's absolutely essential for me to be deeply honest with myself, because my desires (realized or not) reach out to the world around me and create change. this former leaf-eater has pissed people off, hurt feelings, and lost potentially valuable friendships. and dammit, i can't sneak off to the bathroom and pretend it wasn't my fault.
friends who have known me all along are shaking their heads and rolling their eyes ONCE AGAIN. but this is what i showed up for. yes, i did sign on for the big ride, no matter how many times i've had to puke overboard in recent history. my prayer is that i have a few loved ones who are patient enough to stick it out with me. mistakes--hell, yeah. apologies, um--right here. excuses--some of that, too.
this lesson is banging me in the head, hurting pretty bad, and leaving an ugly bruise as a reminder. please cross your fingers i pass the test sometime soon. the transition to solid food has left bunnyluv, here, with a bellyache!
as i attempt to move on with grace and good humor, i needed to send this out to the cybersphere. wishing for the humility of that most wonderful friend --"beau"-- found naked and crumpled in a psychedelic pile by the med tent in black rock city, mumbling, "i get it.. ! i get it!!"

(btw--i apologize for the endless analogies, similies, and metaphors. what did we say they were, ho-swah?--semaphores? ha!)

(babies ho-swah and tif illustrate the effects of static electicity on freshman-greasy hair.)

1 comment:

alyssum said...

Much as it sucks to realize you're harming others, it's good to learn your lesson! Just remember the lessons learned and maybe some of the upset will forgive in time. Just don't forget to help others, too, instead of taking all the time for yourself-- share your lessons, help others drive their ships too! Oh, and it's okay to ask for advice from Captains you look up to--you don't have to learn everything the hard way.

I like all the 'semaphores'. (that word works *particularly* well in this context)