representin'

sheltowee models this year's hot items on the playa.

cheese

it was the cheese!! ;)

"thinking of you"

as i get up my get-up to boogy-down in the desert, my heart continually turns its gaze on the past weekend: a sensuous feast on the point reyes dunes with my closest family. a transcendent, super-conscious extravaganza. it felt as if, insulated from time, we had an intimate sand world all to ourselves and our senses. it was perfect and real. i love you guys.

take it away, rob!

another fine oracle from the master brezsny:

Let's discuss the differences between dumb, unproductive pain and smart, useful pain. The former is the kind you keep being drawn back to out of habit. It's familiar, and therefore perversely comfortable. The latter is the kind of pain that surprises you with valuable teachings and inspires you to see the world with new eyes. While stupid pain is often born of fear, wise pain is stirred up by love. The dumb, unproductive stuff comes from allowing yourself to be controlled by your early conditioning and from doing things that are out of harmony with your essence. The smart, useful variety arises out of a willingness to live passionately and with a sense of adventure. Can you guess which type I'm urging you to gravitate toward right now, Capricorn?

and:

A Spell to Commit Pronoia, by psychotherapist Jennifer Welwood:

Willing to experience aloneness,
I discover connection everywhere;
Turning to face my fear,
I meet the warrior who lives within;
Opening to my loss,
I am given unimaginable gifts;
Surrendering into emptiness,
I find fullness without end.

Each condition I flee from pursues me.
Each condition I welcome transforms me
And becomes itself transformed
Into its radiant jewel-like essence.
I bow to the one who has made it so,
Who has crafted this Master Game;
To play it is pure delight,
To honor it is true devotion.

the view from up here

and just in case it seems like i'm forgetting--how's this for a high high?

third time's a charm?

yeah, so--remember that solo bike trip i was doing? i'll tell you about it when it happens. sadder but wiser, i suppose. attempt numero dos--let's say .. ended in winters, california (what--never heard of it?), at 5am when officer ramirez wrote me up. it was a "warning" and not a ticket, though, so i guess i have that to be thankful for. that and my wonderous cellphone again.

stop the train!

man, i'm such a huge bundle of emotions (i would say "these days," but i know y'all would correct me on that one!!) it is really exhausting. this trying to live conscious and aware business is hard work. sometimes i think it would be such a relief just to sell my soul for the ticket to suburbia, the glistening-toothed husband, plasma-screen tv and not ever look inward again. wouldn't it?? come on. i try to be honest on this blog and not sugar-coat or vaseline-smear the lens, although i suppose that's somewhat inherent in the storytelling. so here you go. just as cheesey as the "gratitude" blogs, but not as gushy. do superheroes ever have bad days, where they huddle back at the bat-cave and cry and pet the cat? yeah. i guess if i think on it, being a superhero does make them isolated and vulnerable. i'm experiencing such high highs and such low lows, and having trouble keeping my paddle in the current. i look around and see a whole lot of uncertainty, and a few possible definites. trying my best to learn, i ask the superheroes i know for advice, but they're too busy fighting evil and beating badguys to even hear me, the little mouse tugging at their cape. hey, batman--can you shed some light on this humble trainee? i gotta lot to learn! does the rollercoaster ever even out, or is that the nature of the ride? what's the view like from up there? do the low lows negate the high highs? are the high highs WORTH the low lows?
sincerely in your tutelage,
--tif

sometimes

sometimes, after your best attempts at higher living fail, you just gotta give in and get drunk. yup. well that's what i did last night. i ventured forth, my barracuda loaded with everything i'd need for a bicycle journey that would take me a few days closer to freedom and independence. i made it all the way to the amtrak station downtown (that's right, downtown sac-to) and ordered my ticket outta town, when the lady at the counter (a grumpy lady, i might add) brought to my attention the fact that i didn't even have my ID with me. (i had my superego, though--never leave home without it.! HA! sorry 'bout that one) my I.D. the laminated bit of officially-sealed dots and dashes that is proof to anyone who wonders that i, the tiffster, do indeed exist. well i felt pretty nonexistent at that point. can't even use cash to buy a ticket to nowhere if you don't exist. boohoo i use my other proof of existence--my cellphone (surely you can't exist without a cellphone "these days" can you??)--to call troyboy who in real time rummages through my few and cluttered boxes to find my passport. no, don't help me, i say! i'll do it myself!! and ride off wiping away the tears of my wounded pride. an hour later, troyboy has driven my passport downtown, i've missed that train, and it's almost dark. i putter around the downtown sidewalks (home to vagrants and a few tourists on this sunday evening) and try to patch together the moral of this frustration. to my favorite spot, the capitol rose garden, where i anonymously warm a bench and admire a robin as she fluffs her wings and splashes in the center fountain. a phonecall to the ho-swah always makes things better.
an hour after that, troyboy and i are well on our way to nowhere happily, rounding the corner to intoxication on the patio of the pyramid brewery (that's right, folks--in sunny downtown sacramento--stop by for a fresh pint!!). hoswah and teesa call and the four of us clink glasses cellularly.
what happened next--well, stumbling around the capitol grounds in the dark, i think tb and i were lucky not to get a light shined on us by a capitol copper. giggley madness and flash photography.
i ended up right where i needed to be.

back! in the saddle

( imagine steven tyler singing that title line, and then you'll be in my head all afternoon yesterday )

bri mackin daddy lead troyboy and me on a local adventure yesterday: biking along the american river bike trail. we took the lightrail out as east as it would take us, then hit the pavement. we were a motley crew, bri on his top-o-the-line racing bike, tb on an equally posh mountain bike, and i, on my trusty steed: barracuda, sporting her sturdy saddlebags (which you know included tools, nuts and berries and fruit, and a change of chic clothes--for the well-equipped, well-fed, and well-dressed). the american river bike trail is a pleasant, tree-lined 30-some mile glorified sidewalk, with a yellow line down the center to organize traffic. it starts in downtown sac-to and follows the river up to folsom lake, with access to towns along the way. true to his faithful doggie form, troyboy was back and forth on his mountain bike, pedaling hard to race up front with bri on his superlight bike, and checking in with me on my steady, plodding route. we broke for lunch at a friendly italian deli in folsom, stopped to spectate on the fishermen waist-deep downstream of the dam, and made our way back downtown in time for sunset.

lucent lovelies

and just cuz i have a camera, and these lucents are some frickin' FINE mofos!!!
that's la directeur with me in that bottom photo. . . ;) the masterful jesselynn, chris the stilt-walker extraordinaire avec clown lovely, shrine, then brion "icarus", derek, and the most bendable kristin.

gratitude and cheesey gushings

back in sac-to to hang with that precious troyboy. catching my breath from the city and soaking in some rays. last week was up and down as i tried to make my way around LA by myself, on the bicycletta (in local hollywood), and (thankfully) sometimes in el caballero negro, which tb left in my care while he was partying down/living it up with the crew down south-o-the-border.
i LOVED cruisin' the sidewalks of hollywood on the barracuda. a self-generated breeze, and freedom. passing by mamas and children speaking you name what language, fragrant ethnic fare wafting by at every corner, and walk signals that always let me across. i hate to say this, but i think LA drivers are actually more aware of non-cars than drivers in lex-town.
driving the car was mostly ten times less desirable than lex's new circle at rush hour (although nikii and superkate insist it's mostly a matter of planning your day correctly--as if i ever do that!). a very important driving detail i learned quickly: it is (absolutely) impossible to turn left in hollywood at rush hour. and the five cars behind you in the turning lane will get pissed at YOU, and not the ten billion cars in your way. this fact was the one that tipped me over the edge on my most stressful day. the day i ended up falling off my bike while on my way to retrieve the car from the only area of town (a half-hour bike ride at best) where it's possible to find a parking space (which is up quite possibly the steepest hill in hollywood to climb on a bike).
most nights i slept at nikii, jeff, and silas's house (the residence at the top of said hill). nikii was trusting (read: desperate) enough to hire me to do some cutting and construction work on her glorious be-flounced dancepants. she's selling them at a booth at tribal cafe' where those fine ladies will dance in just a coupla weekends.
in the evenings i rehearsed with lucent dossier for a show at abundant sugar (a kick-ass community loft/party space in the downtown warehouse district) to benefit cirque berzerk. over the course of the week i might have finally gotten a handle on the choreography so as not to feel obligated to save face in the back forty on the group dance numbers.
we shared the stage friday and saturday nights with various aerialists, firedancers, and clowns, who created a full evening of entertainment for our quests who partook in a sit-down multi-course meal served by the hottest clowns-in-miniscule-skirts i ever saw. the highlight of everyone's weekend, i'm sure, was to witness two of the most super-human trapeze artists i've ever shared the same air with. these two men, each of them perfectly sculpted and gorgeous, performed a routine that was strong, elegant, graceful, and perfectly timed. their feats of strength were incredible. their trust in each other, phenomenal. and perhaps the main thing i marvelled about these men was the pure, joyous serenity that radiated from their faces the entire time. people cried. the phrase i think summed it up for me was that i am honored to be the same species as they are.
at the end of the night, i finally got to do some real all-out booty-shakin' like i haven't done since a dame gig in lex-town months ago, i'm sure. and sidled up to ye olde whiskey bottle like old times, too. :) glad to bring some good k-y lovin' to plastic town. :) and you know what happens when you combine the tiffster with booty-shake and whiskey=sparkley-eyed flirtatiocity. ;) welcome to LA.
after returning to the city for another round, all week long i straddled the fence on whether to hate LA (as surely any sane, nature-lovin' gal from god's green earth should), or to embrace a community of artists who are so warm and welcoming to this vagabond outsider of a smiley quiet jiggley girl (who pronounces some words kinda funny--ya notice?). the serendipity of my landing precisely in the midst of such a fantastic group of people smack-dab in the middle of scary LA (or even the whole of CA, really) still astounds me. i keep expecting someone to be callous, competitive, diva, or even simply un-interesting; it just hasn't happened. i feel so blessed by everyone i encounter.
and if the lucent/LA burners weren't awesome enough, then there are sooperdeedooperkate and nikii who are soooo generous and hospitable and understanding and warm. oh no--i'm gonna explode in a cheesey love-fest!! and if i weren't blown over by those fine chicas, then there is the troyboy. his generosity, encouragement, support and enthusiasm are unquestionable.
and sooo appreciated. finally, and not at all lastly, there are my loved ones from way over there in the bluegrass state who keep callin' emailin' and generally asking after my well-being. the ho-swah and teesa, woo-lovely, eco-gyrl, ruthie, alyssum.. man, i can barely see the screen for the tears welling up in my eyes.
i am soooo blessed. i love you all sooooo much. there is no way/where in the world i could possibly feel alone or lonely because you all are such a wonderful support. from being raised up so high on your love, i can see for miles and miles above the clouds straight up to the stars. they are shining brightly down on you, showing the way in the night.
whew!! (wipe away tears. . )
so after that phenomenal week of wonder and friendship, troyboy and i drove north and visited santa cruz, my early love affair of forest cliff and wave. we are already so accustomed to the sun-baked heat by now, that the cool mist of the bay chilled us to the bone. i had forgotten why anyone would wear longsleeves. in the morning we crawled out from coziness to jog through the "marinelayer" fog along the shoreline, ending on the pier. under there were hundreds of fat barking seals reclining on the rafters, and one who entertained us by propelling himself out of the water over and over trying to land his own rafter. fresh seafood and sourdough baguette. ok. well i think i've gushed enough for one sitting. if anyone ever reads this blog, they'll be sure not to after this cheese-fest! ha!
thank you thank you thank you thank you
LOVE!!!
sunshine, and those flowers that only bloom after they've been baked by the heat for a few months.

--tif

sunshine

woke up this morning with all of the clouds that had been crowding my view--gone!! sunrays on my face, a little angel woke me up, sat in my lap, and listened while i read him a book.
feeling so grateful to all the people who give me so much inspiration and shine light on my little corner.
dancing in another lucent dossier performance tonight and tomorrow night and feeling really good about it. my sweetie-pie flying up from the equator just in time.
my dance-partner-in-crime, jesselynn, gave each of us at rehearsal a little note last night that read:
"do you think that if someone FINALLY realized that their thoughts BECAME the things and events in their life; began BELIEVING that they were TRULY UNLIMITED and started to grasp that divine intervention could be freely summoned by ANYONE to help make their dreams come true, they'd continue doing the same old things, living the same old life, and waiting for the same old miracles?
or would they begin thinking things they've never thought before, doing things they've never done before and living like they've never lived?!
precisely, The Universe"
i know this is old news to lots of folks, but i've just begun tinkering with this to just a tiny bit of full force and i am ASTOUNDED. it's TRUE.. . !
i love you all. thank you for everything you give me everyday.
--tif