running!

ahhh!  i'm so glad to be running again! 

years ago, during a particularly un-motivated/lazy period on my part, i remember complaining to that Gemini Cricket about how my physique just wasn't what i wanted it to be (that old worn-out schtick that has slouched on my shoulder for years).  solution-minded and never one to commiserate with self-loathing, he suggested i go for a jog.  feeling un-motivated as i was, jogging was not what i had in mind.  i had run in the past (mainly to keep up with my boyfriend ;-) ), but never really loved it.  my reply was something about how jogging takes so much energy ~ why run instead of walk (or something like that)?  his emphatic reply is one that has stuck with me (obviously if i'm writing about it now):  he said, "because you can."

i finally did get back to jogging, for myself this time.  and for years i used that phrase as a kind of guilty kick-in-the-ass for those times when i didn't feel like tying the shoes and getting out the door.  it probably helped me run my marathon.  

the first few days after Anjali's and my emergent C-section, it was a three-person effort to get me out of and back into my hospital bed.  when i shuffled to the bathroom, i was advised to hold a pillow to my belly to ease the discomfort.  to me, it felt as if my guts might literally fall out if i didn't hold that pillow there.  ever capable and sturdy, if not the model-svelte we Americans are programmed to desire, my body was truly incapacitated for the first time.  my mental perception of Me was taken apart and put back together as dramatically as was my belly.  my two best friends held me up as i worked very hard to make my way down the hall and back to exercise my circulation and strengthen my will.  running seemed like a distant dream.  

marvelously, in a few days, the outer staples were removed.  and in a few weeks, i was walking a mile or more!  i was in awe of Nature's capacity to heal itself.  

it took us a few months before Anjali felt like doing without the booby for a long enough period, and before i felt physically able to jog again.  but that first venture out the door felt sooo freeing!  from an observer's view, the movement could probably be called "lumbering", but to me, it felt as if i were flying.  i found many excuses to stop for breaks, but i did it!  

as i went, my mind wandered ~ as is part of the fun of the jog, and landed back to that conversation between Gemini and me those howmany years ago.  only this time, "because you can," took on a whole new meaning to me.  it wasn't a slightly sarcastic punchline; it was an empowering encouragement.  so many people, for whatever reason, really cannot tie the shoes and go for a jog even on their most motivated days.  and, for whatever reason, i can.  

i can.  

gearing up for my marathon ~ june 3, 2007

photo by the superest ms. Woo Lively

  

         

        

half dressed sitting

somehow ending up half dressed sitting 

on the kitchen floor 

nursing you, 

i am presented with the opportunity 

to savour 

the sunshine that falls on my legs.

the chores of the day must 

fall away 

as your immediate need 

pins me down 

to the moment.

with a coffeed mind and arm out of reach to skip it,

a melancholy song has me weeping,

re-minded

that someday soon your skin so soft sometimes i can't feel it

will wrinkle.

the day was booked before i even woke up

but now 

i have been presented with the opportunity 

to sit silent 

and listen to your breaths,

to allow the warm laundry to go unfolded

for the moment.  

rainy day groovin'

add a little sashay to your step and wiggle to your walk on this rainy day with my newest 

pandora station o funk.  

dig it.

present moment

my favorite, Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh says, "present moment, perfect moment" ~ that every second really is singularly full of wonder when you are mindful of it.  but don't some moments just feel more perfect, more *magic* than other moments?  especially when you capture them perfectly on film.  ;-)

this perfect moment, captured, is as my daughter gleefully let out a newly-discovered (and delighted-in) squeal. (click to enlarge and fully enjoy ~ the bare tushy!  the drool-glistened lip!  the slobber-matted hair!)  

yup.  

Obama!

i know i'm editing this weeks later than the event, but i posted this photo (of a button magneted to our fridge) as a placeholder for the post i wanted to write about the inauguration.  thrilling world history, right?!  i have been interested in the workings of government since middle school when i first attended KYA, Kentucky Youth Assembly, which creates a mock-government situation where students act as senators, reps, lobbyists, g0vernor, etc., to pass bills and elect officials (i loved it).  i have voted in every major election since i was legal.  but, as most other progressives and ~ really ~ just people who use their minds around the world, i have become jaded and sarcastic about the nation's leaders and their "leadership".   

when the votes were coming in in november and it was determined that Obama had won, i was ~ holding my brand-new infant and watching via internet ~ one of the many who cried.  with hope and happiness and: shock, almost, that our system actually might still work, people might actually stand up and let their voices be heard, and our country might possibly stand for an inkling of the freedom and ideals the forefathers and mothers envisioned.  

we watched the inauguration in the center of UC Berkeley's campus ~ historic in its own right ~ and i felt electrified all over again.  this time i thrilled in knowing that my baby daughter would grow up having this precedent not just a worthwhile goal, but historic reality ~ that someone other than an old white guy can hold an elected office of great importance.  and that the country might still have a few of those freedom- and choice-minded ideals intact.  

i realized i had been holding my breath and finally released it fully when the Obamas' helicopter chopped into the distance.  whew.  i don't think all problems are solved, but right now i have some hope.  for the first time in a long while.

kinda teary-eyed.

the event, projected in the center of campus.

this girl ~ will grow up never questioning whether someone other than an old corrupt closed-minded white guy can be an American president.  

living in the moment, seeing with new eyes, and making sure your blog entry *is*, indeed, saved

oh my god!!!!  i had just spent an hour on a contemplative, thoughtful blog, clicked a button, and now my entry is GONE!!!!!  

well, let me assure you ~ it was some damn good writing.  ;-)  

no time to duplicate it now.  

i'll just entertain you with a photo of my wonderful daughter.  that's her favorite piece of tissue paper she's hiding under. 

[insert thought-provoking blog entry here.]  

mud-covered mischief

Do you ever wonder what your cats do while you sleep at night?  I'm pretty sure this one does pretty much what she does during the daytime:  

But Rodolfo, on the other hand ~ Rodolfo has some mischief in him. Lots of times when I go to sleep at night (mainly on nights when Sealion works nights), and I'm in that dozing, but not-quite-asleep stage, I'll hear Rodolfo roaming around the house meow-meow-meowing. I think he has secret imaginative adventures. I have walked into rooms where he has been meow-meow-meowing all by himself, and asked him what was up. He looks around at me, like, "What?!" Oh, excuse me.

The other night we finally got some rain.  Around here (as far as I have been able to tell), instead of four seasons, we kind of have two.. and a half.  In the "winter and spring" months, it's supposed to be cool with rain, and in the " summer, and fall", it is warmer and dry with no rain at all (the "half" I'm calling is late summer-early fall when it is hot instead of mildly warm.  And nights are always cool no matter the season.)  So after we parental- and baby-folk turned in for our long winter's nap (the bedtime is quite early these days. .), it finally did some raining.  We didn't really notice.  But Dolfo did ~ as he apparently made trip after trip through the cat-door* out into it, and back again to roam his nighttime "beat."  Rain actually gets him worked up ("riled up", as my Kentucky self calls it) and energized.   

When we woke up the next morning, we discovered just how much our boy roams the night ~ in muddy trails that extended surprisingly far and thoroughly along every wall, and around every corner of the house.  Too, I was surprised at how far the mud would last ~ as if he had a little mud palate to dip his paws in when it would run out.    

dining room table.

path where the bedroom doors were closed, and he walked through the small opening

Well, we got a great laugh out of it, but the cat-door was closed immediately to be re-opened when the ground dried.
A day went by, and I could feel the restless cabin-fever of our feline family rise.  The next day, Sealion left for work.  As the day progressed, I could hear Rodolfo trying to open any random door ~ cabinets and closets ~ by scratching and pawing, and then meowing longingly. Kitty was working out some major frustration on her toy mice.  So I gave in, opened the cat-door, and created an entryway of many towels to wipe the feet as the cats came in.  Perfect, I thought!  And went upstairs with Anjali to get crafty. 

Any good internet addict must at least "check in" for a few minutes before getting started on a project.  *As soon as* I logged on ~ sociably, and very excitedly, Rodolfo jumped up on the desk, ran across the keyboard, leaving a sloppy-sandy-muddy trail with every step, and plopped down *totally* mud-covered from head to toe *smack-dab* on Papi Sealion's stack of Important Papers.  oops.    

So we're keeping the cat-door closed at the first drops of rain these days, and, after mopping up several paw trails since that first one, I am no longer the pushover.  Cats, do some hibernating.

You gotta agree, though ~ aren't the paw tracks cute?!  

Rodolfo, looking very satisfied after his mud romp.

* Papi Sealion very handily created steps that lead from the bedroom window "cat-door" down the side of the house to the path beside the house, which is fenced off for cat use.

a hymn from the choir

although i must admit to being highly tolerant of nudity in all regards, not just when you have a baby attached (the human is a lovely animal), 

this is a loveletter response to my spicy sister-momma, Randi, all the way over there in Brooklyn, New York. if you have a problem with it, "feel free to put a blanket over your head," and take a gander at Randi's badass rant at Brooklyn Baby Momma.

my favorite photo of my passionate newborn ~ "with gusto!"

wow.

oh, the learning curve ~ she is so steep! i try always, as in the rest of my life, to focus on the positives ~ of all the ways i am learning and growing, but ~ glory hallelujah ("jeezle weezle!", as Mr.Sealion says)(i don't know who says "glory hallelujah" but it felt good)! so many of the cliches manage to hold true sometimes. ("you can't clock-out when you're a parent!""parenting is a full-time job!")  when Anjali is having a crying-rough time, Papi sings a magical song that almost always calms her, mesmerizes her, and even sometimes puts her to sleep sans boobie(!). the song is called, "Hard Bein' a Baby", and the verse lyrics are different (and often hilarious) everytime. well, sometimes i wish i could climb onto someone's lap and have them make it all better by singing to me. i promise i would fall asleep.

Hard Bein' a Baby

by Papi Sealion

(holding baby under arms and

lifting up baby slightly in time with the beat)

hard. hard. hard bein' a baby.

it's hard-hard-hard hard bein' a baby!

hard. hard. hard bein' a baby!

it's hard bein' a baby, man!

and did i forget to mention gratitude??!  thank you so much for reminding me, Benjamin H./Alyssum!  i am so fortunate.  in every way.   i don't cry that often (really!), but the thing i consider crying about most often is what an incredibly wonderful husband i have.  thank you, Papi Sealion!!  i can't imagine attempting this ride without you!!!!!!

the goods

might i direct your attention, so there will be no questioning that i am, indeed, a parent.
------------------------------------------------------------------->

birthday seduction

whew!

our 2008 closed with Christmas in a cabin in the middle of nowhere, North Carolina, with all of Sealion's family (who are very easy to be around), both of my parents plus their spouses (my parents haven't talked in years, let alone been at the same dinner table)(this was not my idea), and to top off the ironic week, a visit from my ex-husband's wife and their baby (with whom we are great friends, but on the surface, with all this put together ~ can you say Valium?)! it actually turned out beautifully. it amazes me how having my own child takes the parental pressure 100% off of my shoulders. i am merely the lap on which my baby sits (or rather, the breast on which my baby suckles). as much as i stressed over this familial visit for months beforehand, i actually am hugely grateful to my husband, who wanted so bad for it to happen. i had a great time (sans Valium. or even secretly spiking my cider). and so did Anjali. (and Sealion always has a great time.)

this group looks pretty harmless, i must admit. 

(don't know why this is blue and underlined)

the meeting of the cosmic cousins.

the future.

and now for 2009.

(might i add, i had an extremely frustrating time with Blogger on this post.)

Happy New Year!

Art

i love this video by Andrea Dorfman!  of a song by Tonya Davis.  

i also love this one.

(i realize i could post them on here somehow, but not sure as to that somehow.)

crafty

this little baby inspired much creativity from the sewing machine before she was even out.  now, i can barely keep my imagination quiet as it keeps brainstorming things to be created.  and every once in a while, i actually make it to the sewing machine to produce something i imagine!  as usual, i am most interested in creating new things from used fabrics.  daily inspired by my favorite blogger, Amanda Soule, today i made this awesome wool baby-cozy from the sleeves of a used sweater (i put it in the washer and dryer on hot to felt it first), mimicking a similar one that she hand-knitted.  

i'm a sucker for contrasting stitching.

Dear Anjali (first bath)

that first night you emerged into the air, i couldn't sleep.  urgently awake for 5 days straight, anticipating and anxious over you for 42 weeks before that ~ i wasn't about to close my eyes to the wondrous sight of you finally in my arms.   at 2 am the nurse came in on her rounds and scolded me, "you've been through a lot.  you need to sleep."  i smiled and nodded appeasement.  finally i tried to situate us skin-to-skin in the narrow bed to rest (and set my phone alarm to ring every hour to make sure you still breathed).  

as challenging as joyful, these first two months of your life so far.  you come with a steep learning curve for this momma so unfamiliar.  but you're a gentle and patient teacher, and i wake (most) each day ready to learn more.  

then i give you your first bath.  i draw the water too hot at first and you immediately scream alarm when i dunk your foot.  but when the temp is right, i slowly smooth water over your legs and gradually lower them in.  your eyes dart around the room with this unfamiliar sensation and i lean in to grab your gaze.  i speak the soothing mommy language your smiles have taught me.  you search my face with question to discern your happiness and safety.  our eyes remain locked as you relax into enjoyment and ease.  i am caught with giggles that make my heart gulp for air as i am amazed at the trust you place in me, and your wondrous angelic newness.  i am honored to be here with you in this moment, to share these first impressions with you ~ the world as huge and important as perfectly warm water in the bathroom sink.  i sit down to dry you and you melt into my breast for a deep soothing meal.  i glide my fingers over your soft soft skin and whispery fine hair, and am taken back to that first night, welling over with gratitude and awe-filled tears.

and this is just the beginning. .   

Anjali's birthweek, as told by Papi Sealion

well, Anjali has done what i could never do for myself ~ torn me away from this computer. i am totally absorbed with her; when she's awake i feel guilty for being online, when she's asleep i'd rather be getting stuff done that i can't otherwise. but i miss communicating! i haven't found the time to write our story as i would like to, and i want to move on to sharing with you about post-natal life. so i'm going to post Papi Sealion's version ~ written only days after her birth. it skips some details, but the feeling is all there.

so if you don't know:

IT'S A GIRL!!! 

(only six weeks old, but that seems like such old news!)

Anjali Sage Pope was born at 4:17 pm 

on Saturday, October 25. 

she weighed 7lb 7oz, and was 21 inches long.

in the words of the papa (pardon the doctor-speak [ask questions for clarification, if necessary]):

It began Early Sunday morning. Sunday October 19th. I awoke to Tiffanie at 3 AM asking me to call Julie, our soon to be savior, so she could leave on the first flight from San Diego to help us with the labor. The contractions continued through the day, moderate in intensity and 10-20 minutes apart. They broke in the late afternoon and Tiffanie was able to sleep through the night to Monday morning without much interruption. Monday was eventful. The contractions closed in on the magic number 5 minutes apart. A number that would seem to be the finish line of a marathon by the end of the week. The midwife on call, in close contact, continued to reassure and say "call me when they get to 5 minutes apart." 9 minutes, 7 minutes, 4 minutes , 9 minutes, 12 minutes, 8 minutes, 8 minutes, 6 minutes, 15 minutes. Sheets of paper were strewn across the house recording contractions and hoping for the magic number of 5. just 2 in a row, maybe 3. That's all we wanted. I wasn't sure why it mattered, but I was sure that it wasn't getting there. Monday night passed, Tuesday night passed, all the while my laboring goddess continued to pace the house, taking each contraction as it came and smiling until the next. Although against her usual practice, the midwife checks her cervix, 4-5, fully effaced and the babies head readily palpable. Wednesday is now past. Tiffanie hasn't slept in three days other than 5 minute respites occasionally between contractions. Her lower back is raw from the hours of massages I have applied and the inside of her ankles bruised from acupuncture and massage to try to get the labor organized. The days weren't bad with the pineal gland on our side. As we all know, sleep deprivation can be ignored by the body in extreme circumstances. The nights were agony. She continued. Thursday gone and Friday night now at hand her exhaustion is evident. All of our exhaustion is evident. The baby still thumping away at 145 BPM through every contraction. The midwife still can't understand why the labor wont get organized. We go to the hospital that night. The concern is for a possible twin that was missed through the gestation (remember, we had never had an U/S up to this point). No twin. Baby looks great, placenta looks great. Lets go back home. On the ride back her contractions finally regularized. We had met the magic number! We found the 5!! 4-5 minute regular contractions all through the night, 10 more hours of them. We are all ecstatic, the birth tub is filled up, and we're ready to have the baby. Baby has other ideas. Still no baby by 8 AM. Cervix still at 5 cm. Tiffanie's eyes still open and a smile still on her face after a full 5 days without sleep. The midwife says that we have no other option but to go get some Pit. After arriving at St. Luke's in San Francisco the baby started showing some decels during contractions. Still reactive. The pit is started and that reactivity waned and the decels become late. Tif's temp starts to rise as does Anjali's baseline HR. The doc calls it and says we have to take the baby out now. At 417 PM, Anjali Sage was pulled out in an urgent c-section after 7 days of battle. The cause uncertain, but the best guess so far is the combination of three factors. a 42 week old placenta, a very short umbilical cord and a nuchal cord. The baby simple couldn't descend any further because the noose tightened every time she tried. Thanks to all of you for your concern and support through all of this. We could not have done this without Julie, Tiffanie's best friend from San Diego. She was there with us the whole way.

"please standby"

In lieu of the photo I'm sure you're dying to see, I share with you the cutest photo I could muster.  Go ahead and click on the photo so you can see his totally adorable little face up close. 

Our story is a long-drawn-out one, that started early early in the morning on Saturday, and has continued through today, building (and waning) and building (and waning) and building.  We feel the sun and stars (and this unusually blustery Autumn wind that's sweeping the streets today) are shining on us.  Using nature's medicine cabinet, we are upping the ante and moving full steam ahead.  Baby, ho!!  We have had the greatest blessing of Woo's presence since Sunday, and I seriously don't know what we (I) would have done without her.  I love you, Woo!  So if you read this today, send us a special wish upon a star, and let's bank on welcoming this eagerly awaited new addition (tonight!!) perfectly soon.