there has been something bothering me for a while: i continue to have a frustration with being on the computer. i feel that when i am on the computer, i have plugged my head into some Matrix-like existence that is other than the here and now. this bothers me. but the way in which i communicate, express myself, and, largely, learn about the world around me is by being online. i fantasize sometimes that i could just give the computer away and never go online again (we used to live that way, right?). but then i'd have to use the telephone. . (ha! it's true though, those of you who know me are aware.).. most of the people whom i care about, other than my husband and baby of course, don't live near me or anywhere close. so the internet enables me to feel closer to loved ones who aren't, and . . facilitates *not* fostering a community where i actually live. and right now when my baby is sleeping i could be doing any number of productive or simply pleasurable activities on this sunny morning in Berkeley. but instead i have my head in this box. the computer draws me in like the tv in a restaurant that's playing a baseball game that my eyes just get drawn to whether i want to watch it or not (and i don't). so here i am, writing this rambling post. i have attempted to write with my hand and a pen when i get the mood to blog. but honestly, i learned to write on a computer keyboard. it is so much more effortful to move a pen with my hand than to type on a keyboard (in college i did get myself a non-electric typewriter to be like those writers i admired, but it's sooo much harder to push down those keys!!), and by the time i do it i've lost my train of thought. or maybe the exercise of writing is better for that very reason. i have always tended toward the Luddite. [and to romanticize and idealize it. i often fantasize about living at a Zen monastery farm in Marin county. .. or maybe France ~ as long as i'm fantasizing.. ;-) but even Buddhist monks and nuns use the computer.]
i think a *lot* about what i put out into the world. i censor myself a lot. so as an exercise for myself, i'm going to actually publish this post in its rambling coffee-before-adequate- nourishment spastic nature.