Thursday, October 12, 2006

honesty: about Dad

i have such overwhelming love for my Dad, and such barriers to showing him. our communication is a stubborn negative feedback loop with overtones of polite disinterest. reminiscing on my bold open brightness in the desert seems as if it might as well be the other planet it feels like when i'm there, b/c i feel as if i have as little access to her ~ the person i am there, the person i want to be always ~ as i would access to another planet when i am around my Dad. i want courage, but most of all, i simply want to relax. i let my Dad see so little of me, with the excuse that he wouldn't understand. and the only thing that's gotten me is a Dad i haven't seen in almost a year who has barely any inkling of who his daughter is.
i could go on and on about this, and it would get me a late night and a messy keyboard. i just felt i needed to have at least enough courage to name some things out loud. be responsible for at least a little of the two way street i navigate so poorly with my papa.
how is it we can be so Huge and Full Force with our beliefs and convictions ~ until it comes to those who matter most? i admire some of you who do not have this situation in your lives. my main goal: to live love and be. the values i try to follow: that other people's shit is their shit; that how they act, and how they see me are manifestations of their own perceptions, and doesn't have to effect me unless i choose to allow it. to be as present as possible at all times. to live my highest self at every moment ~ and be compassionate to myself when that's less than i'd wish. that everyone is a divine being: either seeking to receive love, or seeking to give love. every moment is The Moment, everything else: stories.
ok. so at this moment i choose to stop chastizing myself. that's my first step.
understand that i am motivated by love. i love my Dad. the little kitten in me loves the Daddy in him. the adult (yes ~ i am an adult) Tiffanie seeks to connect with the adult Dad in unity and love. this is what we're here for. not just to talk about the weather patterns off the opposite coasts, or .. what? WHAT??



it's not lipservice. it's not me trying not to seem "weird" (how did i think i was gonna succeed at that anyway?), or simply "get through" the visit. it's not me covering up for anything b/c
i love myself.
i love my life.
i am proud of myself.
i am proud of my life.
i have nothing, truly, to hide. (as if he actually thought i was a republican! ;)
i am confident in the choices i have made.
and dammit i'm a good person!
let go.
let go.
let go.
let it go.
let it go.

let it go.

and another quote b/c we know i love those quotes:

"By letting go;
it all gets done.
The world is won
by those who let go.
But when you
try and try,
the world is
beyond winning."
~Lao Tzu

envoking the brightest light-bridge i can envision, i send it warmly to my Dad, who is probably sleeping.

from my heart to your heart.
this is all i want to say:
Dad, I love you.
Dad, I love you.

I love you, Dad.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh Tiffanie! Don't we all feel a bit of that....well, at least those of us who turned out so much like our parents, but more so UNLIKE our parents. Yee gads!I love my Mom & Dad, but golly gee I wonder sometimes how it is that the characters in me that I feel I got from their influence are the characters in me that seem to scare them so much.Hmmmm...????
Love coming to your blog and readin what's up...what chr doin...what chr thinkin...oh the ways I can relate. Been there...done that..sometimes keep goin "back there" and doin that...assuming the cycles of Bein There and Doin That just keep spinning around (even adding new
BTDT for variety)til the lady sings and we sleep the eternal sleep. Joy!
The cycles never cease to amaze and intrigue. Thanks for sharing your BTDT's so eloquently, grrlly sweet!