the sun is always shining,
no matter how dark the clouds overhead.

honesty: about Dad

i have such overwhelming love for my Dad, and such barriers to showing him. our communication is a stubborn negative feedback loop with overtones of polite disinterest. reminiscing on my bold open brightness in the desert seems as if it might as well be the other planet it feels like when i'm there, b/c i feel as if i have as little access to her ~ the person i am there, the person i want to be always ~ as i would access to another planet when i am around my Dad. i want courage, but most of all, i simply want to relax. i let my Dad see so little of me, with the excuse that he wouldn't understand. and the only thing that's gotten me is a Dad i haven't seen in almost a year who has barely any inkling of who his daughter is.
i could go on and on about this, and it would get me a late night and a messy keyboard. i just felt i needed to have at least enough courage to name some things out loud. be responsible for at least a little of the two way street i navigate so poorly with my papa.
how is it we can be so Huge and Full Force with our beliefs and convictions ~ until it comes to those who matter most? i admire some of you who do not have this situation in your lives. my main goal: to live love and be. the values i try to follow: that other people's shit is their shit; that how they act, and how they see me are manifestations of their own perceptions, and doesn't have to effect me unless i choose to allow it. to be as present as possible at all times. to live my highest self at every moment ~ and be compassionate to myself when that's less than i'd wish. that everyone is a divine being: either seeking to receive love, or seeking to give love. every moment is The Moment, everything else: stories.
ok. so at this moment i choose to stop chastizing myself. that's my first step.
understand that i am motivated by love. i love my Dad. the little kitten in me loves the Daddy in him. the adult (yes ~ i am an adult) Tiffanie seeks to connect with the adult Dad in unity and love. this is what we're here for. not just to talk about the weather patterns off the opposite coasts, or .. what? WHAT??
love.

love.

love.

it's not lipservice. it's not me trying not to seem "weird" (how did i think i was gonna succeed at that anyway?), or simply "get through" the visit. it's not me covering up for anything b/c
i love myself.
i love my life.
i am proud of myself.
i am proud of my life.
i have nothing, truly, to hide. (as if he actually thought i was a republican! ;)
i am confident in the choices i have made.
and dammit i'm a good person!
let go.
let go.
let go.
let it go.
let it go.

let it go.

and another quote b/c we know i love those quotes:

"By letting go;
it all gets done.
The world is won
by those who let go.
But when you
try and try,
the world is
beyond winning."
~Lao Tzu

envoking the brightest light-bridge i can envision, i send it warmly to my Dad, who is probably sleeping.

from my heart to your heart.
this is all i want to say:
Dad, I love you.
Dad, I love you.

I love you, Dad.

requesting Michael.requesting Tiffanie

Once you decide to be noble, Mother Nature and Heavenly Father will treat you so. Otherwise your life will be a yo-yo: up, down, left, right, but you will be marching in place, you won’t go anywhere until you choose to be noble and act, in every moment, with love.
~Yogi Bhajan

(with deep deep gratitude, once again, to Dream Rockwell)

requesting Michael

i went to Raphael Garden on friday to do some work, and happened upon the school's (Rudolph Steiner College, with which the Garden is associated) Michaelmas holiday celebration.
Michaelmas is a traditional Christian festival that has fallen out of popularity with the church. it is the yang to Easter's yin, and recognizes/celebrates the dark forces of death that are an integral part of the cycle of life on earth, and of the year. in the monotheistic religions, Michael (pronounced My-Ky-ell, similar to Raphael) is the angel of courage against strife. so Michaelmas was the communal celebration of bolstering up one's courage and strength against the bitter cold, darkness, and probable hunger that came with winter.
at the celebration on friday, the choir sang an a capella song of Beginnings and Renewal. then students presented a story with poetry and movement.

the story was about a village of Long Ago where the villagers were collecting the harvest of their garden and putting it by for the long winter. they were content and peaceful. one day a fierce fire-spitting dragon came from the wilderness and belched chaos throughout the village. the men banded together with their swords to protect the village by attempting to slay the dragon. despite their skill and effort, the dragon suffered not even a scrape. this struck fear and helplessness in the hearts of the villagers. then a radiant maiden walked into the center of town. she called upon Michael's angels to accompany her, and told the villagers that fear was not the way to win. she approached the dragon very mindfully, laid her hand on his head, led him out of the village and sent him on his way. the village found peace once more. in the springtime as they set to planting, they found that the dragon's scorching made their fields even more fertile than they were the previous year, and provided plenty. the villagers danced in humble thanks.

when i moved from K-Y, i promised myself that i would never ever ever again spend another february in Kentucky, with it's just-above-freezing drizzle and heavy milky thick Gray that descended on the place (and my heart), unrelenting.
for years, Gemini Cricket (the gorilla formerly known as Brer White du Rabbit) and i would celebrate the first day of march, "we made it through another february without killing ourselves!" it always felt as if i made it by the hair of my chinny chin chin.. i came to choose Sacramento as my place of residence in september. the sky was crisp and clear and blue, the sun intense, as it had been for the few summer months i had experienced here ~ nary a drop of rain. perfect!
mackindaddy warned sealion and me that a winter did happen, that it was coming, and that it was rainy. i dismissed his advice as that of pessimistic dis-rememberment. and perma-smiled my way into the winter months determined to be with my sweetie.
winter came with the vengeance of The Most Rain We've Had in a Hundred Years. the levees were in question. not only did winter engulf february, it took march, as well. it rained every (frickin) day that month. i was barely crawling when i got to spend a few days in northern baja with Woo and Milesy at the end of that month.

and now i am seeing pumpkins in the grocery, leaves skiffing crispy on the sidewalk, and Thanksgiving calendars being filled. i sat in the grass at the College and ate my lunch after the Michaelmas celebration. as i idly watched Bella browsing the pasture in front of me, my heart was stricken and my food would not go down: "what [in the WORLD] am i doing here in rainy sacramento for another winter??!!!" how is it that i CANNOT get myself away from the rain and the gray?? how is it that i promised myself YEARS ago that i would relieve myself from this bleak madness of the soul and i haven't yet?? i felt angry at myself and wondered what was wrong with me. i wanted to run and to escape.

today it dawned on me that i keep arriving here (at Gray Wintertime) because it has something to teach me that i have yet to learn. last year i acknowledged my dragon, and gave her a place of honor. i acknowledged her, but did not embrace her. i was not ready to get to know her, and she wrought her wrath like a fairytale champ. this winter, i know my place is here, in sacramento, working toward the goal that my sweet sealion and i have set to attain. may i open myself to the lesson that the Gray wants me to know?

today it is overcast, and the weatherreport has called for rain. the little icon of the cloud with its drops is definitive. everything i look at seems ponderful and i am nostalgic. i want a blanket. and i am homesick: for times, relationships, and people long passed. and for my Mommie. as we enter this season of darkness, i humbly open my hands. may i be ready for my dragon and her mischievous chaos, meet her in the center, look her in the eye, and receive with grace the blessing she wishes to bestow.

*copyrighted Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer artwork thanks to Bob Giusti.
**you can actually read what Rudolph Steiner had to say about Michaelmas here:
http://wn.rsarchive.org/Lectures/Michaelmas/MicMas_index.html and here:
http://wn.rsarchive.org/Lectures/MichSoul/MiSoul_index.html