Sunday, August 24, 2008

going home, creating home, and finding home inside yourself

Burning Man.  As thousands in the Bay Area, and around the world, pack up the last of their gear, or are even heading that way at this very moment, Papa Sealion and I are planning our own, intimate road trip miles away from the Black Rock Desert.  It was a tough tough choice for this big watermelon-belly mama.  The first year that I attended, Black Rock City rocked me to the innermost core.  Up until a few days before we departed, I wasn't sure; I couldn't really prove I was Worthy enough in my own mind, Big enough, or Up To It.  I now know that I am a citizen of Black Rock City, as much as the dustiest veteran.  I feel as at home there as any other place on the planet I've ever been. I really do believe I could go, and Baby and I would be just fine.  But I don't need to "prove" anything to myself.  And that's kinda what I feel I would be doing if I went (besides feeding my spirit wholly and deeply). 

Here's a letter I wrote to my brother Gemini Cricket as he packs for the playa:
i am having a hard time today, knowing everyone is getting ready to go, or leaving. i really feel like crying. i probably will get around to it.
please please please think of me often and dedicate some spiritual time for me.
don't take it for granted or feel like it's old hat. breathe deeply, soak up the dust and the sun, and the beautiful bare breasts and hearts. make connections.
open yourself up and be vulnerable. live some art and some poetry. be affected. and transformed. let it wipe your slate clean.
remember why it's cool, and that you're a part of that.
i will be wishing these things for you.
and i'll be there in spirit at every moment, so look for me, and then remember and tell me about it when you return.

So my goal now, as it has been, is to keep bringing Black Rock City home with me, to make it here, anywhere, always inside me.  (To reiterate what I already wrote to a certain extent:  )That quality that lets me be totally present and totally in love with every moment of the day-to-day, seeing it as a ritual of beauty, and paying attention to the details.  It's not being bored, or impatient.  It's *seeing* people and making the effort and the personal investment in connecting with others.  Hearing the music in the traffic noise.  Opening myself up to being vulnerable, and being affected.  To being so inspired with being alive that finite hours of sleep are enough (important in the coming months!), and savored for their preciousness.  To seeing and being Art in everything, because it's true, and worth it and why not.  Dancing passionately, and knowing I'm beautiful and so are you.  

With this new and fresh creature growing inside my belly and making its presence very much known, I gotta admit, it's not that difficult to be fascinated by the "everyday" lately.  *Life* is fucking incredible!  ~ when you're pregnant, and when you're not!  When you're new, and when you're old.  Being an Earthling is a fascinating, juicy existence.  It's nice, "in this day and age" with our cushy circumstances, to spend a week out in the desert to be reminded of this. But we don't have to.  And, really, we don't even have to open our eyes (physically) to see the miracles. 
It's all there, all the time.  

sunrise: magical no matter where on the planet you see it.

i still look forward to the next time i get to go to burning man, though.  ;-)

This post is not what I intended it to be when I wrote the title, but I think I'll keep it.  

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

what's in a name?

(I typed "yuppers" first ~ what do *you* think the spelling of this word should be?)
I changed the name of my blog.  I think in the "pro" blogging world, this might be a no-no, but I'm not a pro, and I needed a change.  I felt I had outgrown WIDE WORLD OF TIF.
Reflection ~ the day I headed out for C-A.  
When I created this blog, years ago now, the story of my life was 100% up in the air, and up for grabs.  I had no clue where it was headed, and welcomed this unknown.  I was riding my life bare-back and holding onto my hat as I took off for who-knows-what.  It felt Big, and dramatic, and Important.  Romantic, or glamourous.  
It didn't take me too long, time-wise, to wear out on that.  Glamour gratifies and is quickly addictive, but it doesn't Nourish Deep Down.  I needed nourishment.  I veered off at a Y in the path and it slowly step-by-step (moment by moment, peu a peu) led me here.  Now.  
I feel soooo much different than the woman in the photos at the beginning of this journey.  Thanks to some blessed Mirrors along the way, I can say that I feel as if I've learned some things.  And I like myself more.  I feel as ready as I can be for the path immediately in view.  And, more importantly, I'm excited to embark.  
The name I have chosen, Moment by Moment, symbolizes this quiet(er), step-by-step path I visualize taking.  Hopefully being present.  Hopefully being mindful.  Hopefully still taking time to see and smell the flowers.  If I could get Blogger to work with me, It wouldn't be a yelled, ALL-CAPS, but a more conversational extension of a hand in invitation.  Peu à peu is French for "little by little".  I have a love-affair with French, and love this phrase.  It says much, poetically.

Reflection ~ last week.  
So here I go.. !  I have wanted to post more about my process as this little one has grown bigger and bigger inside of me.  But it feels so BIG (the baby, yes, but the process even more so), that I just never know where to start.  Happily, I at least have been writing to myself, if not the cyber-world.   
Blogging feels good for me, like nettle tea, and sunshine.  So I hope to continue.  And that is the official dedication:  to take a breath, notice, and Share.  Moment by Moment.                     

Friday, August 01, 2008

it's August!!!