spirit photos of a baby animal

a line i love from that funky wordsmith Ani diFranco says, "It took me too long to realize that I don't take good pictures cuz I have the kind of beauty that moves."  true, some images convey so much in their stillness, and some people have a magical gift of being "photogenic." but rarely is a single still shot the whole story.  life is not static.  some of my favorite photos i have taken are the technically "imperfect" shots that show movement.  many times i feel they show more of the essence of the person or subject than the still shot can convey ~ like a psychedelic capturing of the spirit.  

this hand-me-down brown bear hoodie, now too short, has been a favorite of mine in Anjali's wardrobe.  in a tame, polyester fleece way it reminds me of the Lost Boys in Peter Pan (for which i have quite a soft spot).  it also emphasizes for me the animal quality of Anjali that i cherish so firmly.  endearing as well as challenging, i wish to help keep that wildness intact as best i can.  and if you are to portray Anjali accurately, it is clearly in movement as opposed to still.  she is a girl moving ~ inquisitive, interactive, and tactile.           

Baby Animal Anjali.

she moves.

photos taken while nursing

365

that's the number of posts i've written on this blog.  this makes 366.

a year's worth of entries over the course of the four years i've had this blog.  

four years ago: 

i was 29.  i lived in Lexington, KY, and was working as a barista at Third Street Stuff.  my sister Misha had just passed, Mister Gemini and i were bringing to a legal close that seven year portion of our relationship that we spent as a married couple, and i was sorting my belongings to move across the continent to big ol' C-A.  running sometimes twice a day to calm my mind and spirit.  and drinking a lot of whiskey.

in the four years since: 

i performed and created costumes with my dream company Lucent Dossier (then Vaudeville Cirque, now Experience) in LA for the unequivocal performance time of my life. i fell in love and moved in with Sealion (and good friend Mackindaddy) in Sacramento, attended Burning Man for the first through third times. i auditioned for and got accepted to dance with a most auspicious (but now defunct) bellydance company, Ultra Gypsy, and passed on it.  followed my guiding star to study food ~ attending Bauman College's Natural Chef program, and then working extensively and finally apprenticing at Three Stone Hearth Community Supported Kitchen, began eating meat again for the first time since i was 16.  i ran a half, then a whole marathon (26.2 miles).  i married Sealion in the Black Rock Desert (then at the Sacto courthouse), moved to Berkeley, got pregnant, and had baby Anjali Sage after a week-long labor at home with a midwife that ended in an emergent C-section. 

right now:  i am a Mommy.  i am 33 years old.  i garden, sew, prepare and eat good food from the farmers' markets, walk and bike with my husband and baby, read, write and take pictures, and watch iTunes movies in bed at night with headphones.  i am cultivating a community close by.  each of my parents is retiring this summer.  my husband and i are investigating buying a house here in Berkeley.  i don't jog or dance nearly as much as i'd like to.  i drink close to a quart of  raw whole milk from Claravale Farm a day.  

(right-right now:  i'm eating a chicken salad sandwich while reclining in bed next to my sleeping almost-seven-month-old daughter, and my cat, Kitty, who is purring suspiciously close to that mug of raw milk on the nightstand.)    

i don't like to look back, nor do i revel much in past accomplishments.  i don't believe in "the good ol' days," preferring instead to believe that life can be lived in fullness any time we pay attention.  but i can't help but think i'd be hard-pressed to find a chunk of four years that are as dynamic as the past four.  there certainly were lulls and lows, but lots of highlights i left out of this little synopsis for brevity.  

this blog doesn't fully represent "me" the past four years, but it says a lot.  the silences oftentimes as much as the posts, what i leave out as much as i include.  it has evolved to be something i approach quite thoughtfully and mindfully.  i attempt to "put my best face forward" while at the same time being as authentic and honest as i can bare.  i hope to reach audience members who feel they can relate, and to help them not to feel alone.  and i would rather focus on the beauty of life as i see it ~ without airbrushing.  

when i was practicing dance in preparation for that big audition, i taped up a teabag wrapper for every time i practiced (as was my art ~ incorporating discarded items, pictures, and words in collage form, on fabric, butcher paper, on every surface and any wall).  this was to demonstrate to myself that, though the little bit didn't feel like much, bit by bit became a long line of green paper squares that extended across the wall, and rehearsals that led to a prepared audition.  these days, i don't have to tape teabag wrappers as i have a child who grows literally before my eyes.  starting out as a single cell inside of me, she has developed to be the 17-pound center of my life.  she embodies the idea that big shifts happen "day by day" and "minute by minute," as it's sung in one of my favorite Brett Dennen songs.  as quickly as Anjali grows and changes, i am urgently reminded to be present for each of those day-by-days.   

so, 365 posts later, here i am and here we are.  i am appreciative of the voice this blog gives me, and appreciative of those of you who come back again and again.  cheers!    

(ha!  i got quite link-happy here.   i think that's kind of a give-away of how contemplative this blog post made me, and how much later i'm awake than i planned to be. . i could keep going, linking words to previous entries, but ~ i'm sleepy.  gold star for anyone who clicks on every link.  or maybe a swat on the behind to say, "hey ~ close the friggin' computer and go outside!")     

mindful re-minder

(i could be frustrated and spend an hour trying to fix this font that blogger has dictated, but i'm going to let it slide and get on with my day. . )

I'm plenty cheesy, and I'm not above self-help.  I have read quite a few advice books and how-to books about happiness and fulfillment.  And over the years I have subscribed to various websites that send little notes to my inbox reminding me to choose my mentality.  So it is not surprising that I am seeking the advice of confident parents whose philosophies resonate with me.  Although Scott Noelle's daily blurbs, entitled, "The Daily Groove", are child-related, often I don't think they're parenting-specific.  The following one really hit home for me in my perfectionist tendencies.  Sealion and I have applied it with quite a bit of success in our daily life ~ one fraught with trying to "do it right", and many the heated conversation on the whys and why nots of parenting choices.  Perhaps it might speak to you in your life.   

I'd Rather Feel Good!

by Scott Noelle, posted on 2006-05-30

We've been conditioned by the agents of our culture — parents, teachers, the media, etc. — to believe that our success and happiness depend on being "right."

Today, let's question that...

When you argue with your child, you may be "right," but do you feel happy?

When you criticize your partner, you may be "right," but do you feel love?

When you berate yourself for making a mistake, you get to be "right" about your wrongness! Are we having fun yet???

If you feel stress today — even mild tension — ask yourself if you're trying to be "right" about something, and consider the potential relief of simply letting it go.

Just breathe... and tell yourself, "I'd rather feel good than be right!"

growing!

silly

Anjali is developing a sense of humor.  Or at least has a joke.  She sticks her tongue out of the side of her mouth with the funniest little grin!    

 Gramma and Papa were in town this week, and it became her game with Gramma, and then all of us, to stick her tongue out as an invitation for play.  So, initiated by Anjali many times a day,  we all had our tongues stuck out.  Hilarity.  Early yesterday morning the grandparents caught their flight home.  As Sealion, Anjali, and I were out and about town later in the day, she and I ducked in to a corner for some privacy nursing.  She popped her head up over my arm, locked eyes with Papi across the way, and stuck her tongue out mischievously!

a moment of calm

parenting requires me to be "on" all the time.  if i may use a river rafting analogy, it seems that there are few still and slow pools, and more waves to navigate.  they may not all be Class IV rapids, but they require navigation, nonetheless.  so riding the waves with a bit of a gameplan perhaps, some clarity, and a light heart, feels necessary.  

things have felt stressful for me lately.  there has been plenty plenty of good and fun ~ even some easy, but .. some stress.   i took this photo because this morning i felt successful under these conditions.  my heart felt calm.  

  

 taking note of these moments in life is helpful.

note the highchair. . 

(i feel as if i look worn out in every photo i take of myself lately.  even ones that i take to show myself what i look like when i feel energetic..  but i feel it's important to show them.)  

happy mommy's day

ooooh, thank you!!

enter:

the highchair!

oh, 

what fun

we have in store!

wine and chocolate

when the chocolate bar runs out,

you make do. 

feral

It delights me that Anjali is a little animal.  I love how uncivilized she is.  That a wet diaper, any  random plant leaf, the floor, a pen, a magazine page, and dirt are all equally worthy of investigation via tongue. That she gazes lovingly at my breasts and only sees nurturance.  I love that she farts loudly while looking me in the eye with an earnestly straight face.  Through her, I think I really understand what it means to be "fresh."  

Oh!  To remain untamed!       

growing..growing

crafty, with friends ~ continued

here's an email i sent out today.

         

hi, friends!

i am SO excited about the response i've gotten to my invitation for creative fun!! i have received seven positive replies, with a few who have friends who might be interested. cool, eh?

as for scheduling, some of us have evenings free, and some of us have days free.
of the people who have shared availability, it kind of smears across the week (as we might have expected).

so i'm going to throw this out:
how bout every other monday evening, and every other wednesday afternoon? so 1st and 3rd mon eves, 2 and 4th wed afternoons.
how does that work with everyone?

as for where, i'm glad to meet here at my place, to meet at a park sometimes, weather and activity allowing. as for others' houses, i oftentimes don't have a car, so am limited to close walking distances right now.

books i have enjoyed about crafting:
The Creative Family, by Amanda Soule
Generation T, by Megan Nicolay
Bend the Rules Sewing, by Amy Karol

a book i'm interested in looking at:
Crafternoon, by Maura Madden

so here's a question for you to answer:
are you interested in organized projects that we all work on, or a bring-yer-own project kind of format?

ok! i think that's all for now. anything else you can think of?
fun is in store!!
~ Tiffanie

organizing this was a big step out for me.  honestly, for the past few years, i have spent a large portion of my time sad and/or hermiting.  the advent of Anjali has changed that for me ~ either out of necessity, as when I sought out prenatal meditation and yoga during pregnancy for stability and sanity, or just cuz that's the way it is.  i realized at the turn of March that this past winter was the first one in countless years that i haven't been blue.  wonder!  not saying i don't have a blue afternoon or day, but for the most part. . i feel upbeat, and like being social!  i'm so glad, because i also believe that we weren't designed to live insular lives in our separate little cubby holes ~ we're meant to have a tribe.  i'm tired of not feeling a community, and of my baby not having society.  she loves people!  i've been giddy the past few days coming up with themed dinners and parties we could have, and setting goals for having friends over for dinner: at least twice a month.  

but for now, i feel great about this first step.  and all the crafty fun we'll have!  

crafty: pantaloons pour ma petite fille

Created these awesome pants for Anjali.   

From fabric that someone shared with me in a "free box" on the sidewalk ~ very lightweight cotton that will work perfectly to keep baby cool, but protect her fair skin on warm sunny days. Considering that I rarely use a pattern, my sewing is trial-and-error (-and-error).  I used a pair of pants that fit her as a template, and went from there.  The thing I haven't been able to get right yet is enough crotch room to accommodate her diaper-padded bum.  If she's going diaper-free, they fit beautifully.  And that lasts as long as I can manage to catch her pee-pees ~ sometimes hours, sometimes minutes.  So these went back to the drawing board with a couple more inches in length for the bootay.  But don't they look adorable in their original dimensions?  With their voluminous width, and delicious belly-button display, they reminded Sealion and me of bellydance pantaloons.  Of course!
 Let the shakey-shakey begin!

crafty, with friends

these are two emails i sent today.  if you live nearby, come play!  if you don't live nearby, i wish you did, and that you would.   

hey, sabine (who used to lead her own crafty club in the city: "crafty bitches and thrift store whores") ~

do you know any cool crafty folk in berkeley/east bay?  i have searched and searched online for moms groups who get crafty, and found one in tampa.  florida.  i attended only one "regular" mommy group where moms sat on the floor and pulled their babies off of each other and talked about pooping habits.  there has to be more.  i asked a woman carrying her baby at the fabric store the other day if she knew any crafty moms' groups, and she dismissed me, saying that moms don't have time to get crafty.  well, what was she doing at the fabric store then?!
if you have any ideas, i'd love to hear them. [sealion] and i are suffering from lack of "tribe".

~ tiffanie 

--------------------------------------------------------------

hi, friends ~

i want to get together with friends and create ~ play at an art project or make on a craft project, have pleasant conversation and perhaps nutritious snacks.  i would like to do this regularly ~ every week if possible for some, semi-weekly, or at least monthly.  i envision it being kid-friendly, but not kid-centered.  i imagine it happening on an afternoon that could bleed into an early evening.  i realize many of us are busy, and some very busy.  but if this sounds like fun to you, i believe that prioritizing creation with others has the potential to bless and nurture the rest of our lives.  no agendas or have-to's or shoulda's, nor competition, just some creativity amongst pleasant folks.

if this sounds like something you might enjoy, and/or you know someone who might be interested, please let me/them know.

happy may!
~ tiffanie 

Bon Voyage, Mes Amis

Nala dog waits anxiously in a newly-emptied living room

At the turn of the month, our good  friends, Gemini Cricket, Hot Mama Honeybee, and baby June Firefly, will be embarking on a Grand Adventure.  They have given away or loaned out all of the belongings in their comfy 2-story home ~ furniture, kitchenware, decor, mementos, an extensive and hand-picked art collection.  They are leaving a well-cultivated life with reliable jobs and a solid, interconnected, fun community of friends ~ to move into an Airstream, and then across the country and into the unknown.  

I made a similar exfoliation of my former life just a few years ago (still proud that I came out to start over with only seven (7) packing boxes ~ which included my sewing machines and art supplies, costuming and huge platform boots, and my loyal stuffed koala, Sheltowee), but in retrospect it seems I had  a lot less responsibility and a lot less to lose  ~ although I still miss my community every single day.   Don't want to discount my experience, for it changed me and my path forever in countless ways.  But looking at what they're doing from the vantage point of my cozy, feathered nest with family, solidly in my thirties, I wince a little and think, "Yeesh!  That's a big leap!"

As always, these guys give me pause to think.  I look around the house which we've only occupied for a year and a half now, and marvel at the piles of clutter that never disappear, but simply get dispersed ~ to recollect in a week or so.  The clutter gets so noisy in my periphery (and we keep a pretty tidy house for the most part) that it drives me out the door ~ which is the best place to be anyway.  Which leads me back to these traveling folks and what they are essentially forcing themselves to do.  Be outside more.  

And just *be*, without the stuff.   The process of skin shedding has been a huge and complicated challenge to them already.  I give them 1000 kudos for the effort and perseverance.   And for that, I dedicate perhaps my favorite moment from perhaps my favorite movie, "Harold and Maude."  (and I think I've already told this to Gemini, so I'm sorry if it's anticlimactic, but I still love how appropriate it is.)  When they are sitting together by the little pond, after having a wonderful time together, and Harold hands Maude the little coin that has engraved on it, "Harold loves Maude."   And she says, "Oh, Harold, it's wonderful!" and immediately flings it into the water.  "Now I'll always know where it is!" (or something like that.)  

But, my friends, more than forcefully detaching yourself from possessions, security, and comfort, I salute you for following your gut.  There's a little saying (from a tea bag label) that's been glued to my keyboard since not long after I took my big jump a few years ago:  "Live from your heart, you will be truly satisfied."  May your ear always be tuned to the frequency of your heart.

iris, rose geranium bud and leaves

writing it down

Because I want to remember.

 Anjali has developed the habit of holding my finger while she nurses.  Her hand searches for it as soon as she starts to settle in.  It is such a routine by now that I don't even think about it, but when I'm made aware, my heart does a little somersault.  So I needed to write it down.   

wine and chocolate

Sealion has been working a slew of evening shifts recently.  Where he usually can count on a relatively balanced schedule among morning, evening, and night shifts (such is the nature of his profession), this last month was almost all evenings.  This month is not much different.  (We're thinking that this is what happens when a computer program takes over what a human used to do ~ juggling schedules.)  This means that Anjali and I have been spending afternoons and evenings on our own.  The daily family meal has become breakfast.  And I have developed a pleasant little ritual to transition the afternoon into evening:  wine and chocolate.

  

During my pregnancy (beside the fact that I attempted to avoid chocolate altogether), dark chocolate was too strong for me (horror!), so I had to switch to milk chocolate.  That was a fun side journey (my favorite is Dagoba's Chai).  Happily my taste and intuition have lead me back to the dark side (The Force is strong in me..).  Lately I've been sticking to straight dark chocolate with no mix-ins ~ Green and Black's 70% is what is open in the cabinet.  Needing only a few squares, a bar can last me well over a week.  Old vine zinfandel is my wine preference these days.  They call it "old vine" because the vines are. .  old, and they're gnarly from when they pruned them in the old school method ~ lopping them off at the top each year ~ instead of training them to trellises.  Supposedly their age makes them harder to work with, producing fewer grapes per vine, and of variable size.  I've also heard that this variety is trendy among folks like me, but ~ what a yummy way to be trendy; much better than, say, tight-rolling your pantlegs.   I'm satisfied with a pretty tiny portion (in our house we call it a "dot"), but it does manage to add a celebratory note to that time when the shadows are long and things are slowing but not sleeping and the house might be feeling a bit quiet.

I'd rather have the boy, but. . this routine ain't bad.    

a new era

Our baby is now officially eating table food.  Like those first fresh new diapers that, while still pregnant, I displayed for myself to admire, her eating will become a part of the routine that I'm cleaning up after.  But for now I'm sentimental and savoring the newness of the development.    

I dip her little spoon into the food while Anjali breathes heavily in anticipation as if she has never eaten in her life.  The spoon cannot get into her hands soon enough.   As she eats, the food gets spread out all over her mouth area (using that term loosely) as if she were applying a facial mask, ending up with a Fred Flintstone-type beard-smear.  When she is no longer interested, the spoon is forgotten immediately.  If I can't find it for the next meal, I know where to search first.    

Oh, heart, how you swell.  My baby is growing up.