flashbacks from a dusty city

there is no way i'm going to sit here and write everything i'm wanting to share: too many boxes yet to unpack!!

i will say ~ i was nudged into realizing just how quickly the dust (sadly) washes off.
these photos, only a few weeks out, are such a blast of fresh air, so refreshing and cleansing to my soul.
this morning, to reconnect, i put on that one copper skirt i wore all week (you know, that one), and took my top off, glided around serenely, and wondered how much the neighbors could see ((*damn burner!*)). then a hard knock on the front door kicked me out of my reverie, and sent scurrying around the kitchen for a jacket to sign for UPS ((damn weirdo burner!)).

i advertised for this guy after my first year, and i think he does a great job of capturing so much. the "couples" one especially touched me. so much freedom, and so much feeling!

feel the love:

http://webbery.com/bm07

lucent dossier video

dem's my peeps!
this is a great video, with lovely Dream telling her Lucent Dossier story.
this woman, these people, changed my life forever.
they're still going.

www.current.tv/watch/180761882

locavores

this month is the Locavores Challenge. this, for those of you unfamiliar, is a voluntary (self-inflicted ~ ha! sorry!) commitment for a month to attempt to eat within a 100-mile radius of where you live. it's a great exercise, and quite an eye-opener! eating locally is the best way to get the most delicious, nutritious, freshest food. and is the best for good farmers, and especially our Mama Earth.
it's already part-way through the month, i know, but this is a great thing to be mindful of at any moment. an interactive Locavores network has been set up that is similar to Tribe, with people joining from all over to share and discuss their own schemes and trials in local eating.
here's Jessica Prentice's official schpiel, which i received via email:

From: jessica@wisefoodways.com

Eat Local Challenge 2007: September

September is already upon us!

The last of the bounty of summer is still gracing our tables: luscious tomatoes, sweet corn, delectable green beans, and crisp, crisp apples. What to do with all the excess?

When we look at history, we quickly realize that having 30,000 items to choose from in the average American supermarket is only a relatively recent option. For the rest of human history, eating locally was a matter of practicality -- only the rich could afford imported food. The idea of eating within your foodshed isn't really all that revolutionary. Ask one of your older relatives about canning and pickling produce, about making their own jam and their own butter. These were common everyday practices well into the mid-20th Century.

And now is the season for all that canning and pickling and jamming and jarring. Now is the season to learn how to preserve the summer's bounty for the winter months.

So that's what this year's eat local challenge is all about: PRESERVING.

Check out the Eat Local Challenge blog for some recipes and advice.
www.eatlocalchallenge.com/
Ask your older friends and relatives. Do some experiments in your kitchen... and then SHARE them with us!

That's right, the Locavores website is becoming interactive. There are tons of social networking websites out there... and there are plenty of blogs where people talk about food... but there hasn't really been a way to combine the two... and none of them have been geographically focused. So we came up with the LocavoresBlog.
www.locavoresblog.com/

Here, once you sign up, you can join a group for your geographic area. There you can share information about good local food providers, restaurants, CSA's, and food coops. You can ask other people in your area where the farmers markets are. You can share your favorite pickle recipe. You can organize local foods dinners. You can even upload your photos. You can form a community of people within a foodshed who care about supporting local, sustainable food production.

We're launching this site *today* -- so right now it's pretty bare. It's waiting for YOU to add the content. So let's get started!

You should receive an invitation to join LocavoresBlog.com shortly after this email. Simply respond and sign up. You can make your own page and then join up with a group. You can invite other members if you have friends or family who you think ought to know about Locavores. Enjoy each others' company. Tell us where the good food's at. Feel free to start a new group if you don't feel your area is represented. Surely there will be unforeseen glitches. We'll try to fix them as soon as possible.


Finally, you may have noticed that the local food movement (that's you!) has been getting a lot of press recently. Barbara Kingsolver's newest book, *Animal, Vegetable, Mineral* describes her year of eating locally.
www.kingsolver.com/bookshelf/miracle.asp
She mentions the Locavores several times in the book.

More recently, in a New York Times op-ed piece, the historian James E. McWilliams sought to debunk the idea that choosing locally produced food automatically decreases one's carbon footprint. He warns that efforts to reduce food miles might actually support higher carbon emissions at the source. McWilliam's editorial has been much discussed and debunked in the blogosphere -- most notably by Michael Shuman here:
www.ethicurean.com/2007/08/...-on-lamb/
-- and we couldn't possibly do a better job.

We would just like to point out that focusing on food miles as the most important criteria in judging a food system IS dangerous. One of the lessons of the local food revolution that we are in is that ecological, systems-oriented solutions are often better in the long term than linear solutions. Fewer miles does not necessarily equal better and more socially and environmentally responsible food.

Like every problem worth thinking about, food justice is many-layered and complicated. There is no black and white solution. But there are many incredible thinkers and activists and chefs and gardeners and people like yourselves working on all the grey areas in between. Lots of people are working hard to overcome the brutal paradoxes of local food and class. Lots of people are trying to figure out how we can knit revitalized local and regional food economies into the current global one. And we are all trying to answer Wendell Berry's hard questions: "What will nature permit me to do here without damage to herself or to me? What will nature *help* me to do here?"

Locavores: Eat Here!
www.locavores.com/

Don't forget to sign up for the LocavoresBlog once you receive the invite.
www.locavoresblog.com/

Sage Van Wing, Jessica Prentice, Jen Maiser, DeDe Sampson



* * * * *

For more about the Locavores, please visit our websites:
www.locavores.com/
www.locavoresblog.com/

capricorn

ah, that Rob! i'm feeling this one, for sure:

Capricorn Horoscope for week of September 6, 2007

I predict that you will soon be drinking your morning wake-up beverage out of a goblet made of gold mined in ancient times. Songbirds will appear near your window to sing you tunes that magically unleash your dormant genetic potentials. Out of nowhere, servants will arrive and offer to wash your feet in jeweled basins once used to baptize the children of queens. Maybe most exciting of all, you will command the power of the wind and lightning. OK, so maybe everything I just predicted will only occur in your dreams. But even if that's the case, it's a sign that you're in a heightened state of receptivity to miracles and wonders -- which suggests that they will soon be swirling around you.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (from the book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.)
Push hard to get better, become smarter, grow your devotion to the truth, fuel your commitment to beauty, refine your emotional intelligence, hone your dreams, negotiate with your shadow, cure your ignorance, shed your pettiness, heighten your drive to look for the best in people, and soften your heart—even as you always accept yourself for exactly who you are with all of your so-called imperfections.
*

wow! that "sacred advertisement" could be an everyday prayer!
thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.

! we're moving !

it might have sounded as if i'm experiencing growing pains in that previous post, but perhaps that's my overly romantic way of expressing that things are happening very quickly in my life right now! if this past year has plodded by . .. requiring much patience . .. like that long marathon. .. . feeling . . every . .step . . viscerally, this is a sprint (my tortoise self wouldn't really know what that feels like, but i can imagine ;-D ). events and happenings and landmarks are zoooooming by. and i'm up for the task (that's one of the many downloads i received at BM).

and we're moving.
Sealion and i are leaving our incredibly happy situation here in Sac with Mackindaddy and Gyrlene to create our own Big Kid Nest.
in Berkeley!
it's official; after so many false starts and searches and their emotional ups and let-downs, all up and down the west coast, and even some areas "back east", Baja, and who knows where else, we have finally signed a lease and are packing boxes. we're not expecting this to be a forever home, but we sure are darn excited about it for now! we have a sweet sunny space on a pretty street, still walking and biking (and BART!) distance from places that are important ~ and fun and delicious! and Sealion's commute will be just a tad longer (that's what cinched the deal ~ that he could keep his same work situation).

i like Berkeley. and i feel like it likes me back. although "the" 510 here in Sac has been a nurturing, soft and gentle place for a powerfully healing, inward-looking time in my life, i haven't ever felt connected to Sac. and it doesn't seem to sweat the fact that i'm leaving. Sealion doesn't feel like his life will change that much except, perhaps, that he won't want to go somewhere else everytime he has time off.

i love: tooling around Sac on my bike on a lazy Sunday afternoon. i love how laid back it is here. i love the tree-lined streets, and how extremely bike-able it is. i love the rose gardens. just thinking about leaving our well-loved backyard garden makes me melty inside. but the absolute main thing i will miss is our happy home life with our out-of-this-world housemates. i have marveled so many times at how blessed i am to have happened into this living situation with these people. such good people. the best. and the time i will miss most: our family dinners. everyone meeting around a table of delicious, nutritious, locally grown food and the finest conversation sharing learning and laughter. i respect and admire them so much, have learned so much from each of them ~ their unique, different (from mine), and heartfelt perspectives.

so here we go! next week at this time Sealion and i will be Berkeley-ites (for better and worse). on our way back from Black Rock City, we dropped our gear off at the new place instead of bringing it here only to take it there later. this morning we pulled the boxes down out of the attic to begin fuh REAL. worlds different than my seven-box leap into the wild westward unknown a little more than two years ago, i have found a Place, a Home, and Love.

life sure is a Grand and unpredictable adventure.


photos:
Sealion rejoices in front of our new place.
a toast ~ Berkeley-brewed Bison IPA ~ on our back deck, with trees in the background.
Sealion fills the aerobed in the living room.
El Caballero Negro and his dusty load out front.


**i remembered something else i love so much about Sac:
the unadulterated, penetrating Summer Sun ~ that lasts, uninterrupted, pretty much from April to December.
oh, how i worship you!

reflections

well i'm nowhere near processed through Burning Man 2007, but i thought i'd better at least check in, as i have promised myself.
this year was deep and . . harsh. the themes that come to mind right now are relationships, nighttime, fire. and mirrors.


photos.

dragonflies

lying on my back,
belly worshipping that great fireball in the sky,
i gaze up into the cloudless blue.
idle (?)

my eyes come into focus as i realize
~ dragonflies ~
wings white with irradiant rays
silently high floating like insect ghost fairies on the sky
one floats across this way,
and another the other..
a whizzing population i had never noticed.

time to get back to work,
turn from this luxuriant
waste of time (?) ~
i hardly think so:
how else would i have discovered
the dragonflies?

the definition of yellow

.. . their bountiful brilliance astounds me.

GET DOWN!

get down!

forecast:

Capricorn Horoscope for week of August 16, 2007
from Mr. Brezsny

Welcome to the Season of Temporary Insanity, Capricorn. According to my analysis of the omens, your imminent immersion in lunacy, delirium, and freakiness won't hurt a bit -- and may even stir up exotic varieties of pleasure and amusement. For best results, keep the following advice bubbling and frothing in the back of your mind. (1) "Only when he no longer knows what he is doing does the painter do good things." - Edgar Degas. (2) "Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment." – Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks. (3) "All of us are crazy good in one way or another." - Yiddish saying. (4) "You are either losing your mind -- or gaining your soul." - Julia Cameron.


*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
The sage and her student were standing by a pool discussing longing and ambition.

"What do you want more than anything else?" the sage asked.

"To perfect my ability to love all of creation the way I love myself," the young man replied.

At that moment, the sage tackled the student and shoved his head beneath the water. Accustomed to letting his teacher shape the unpredictable contours of his education, he did not resist.

One minute went by. Then another. The student began to struggle and kick. His teacher was strong.

Finally she released her grip and the student surfaced, fighting for breath.

"What did you want more than anything else during these last few minutes?" the sage inquired.

"Nothing else was in my mind except the desire for air," gasped the student.

"Excellent," beamed the sage. "As soon as you are equally single-minded in your desire to perfect your ability to love all of creation the way you love yourself, you will achieve your goal."
*
The preceding oracle comes from the book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.


photo: Sheltowee (with Adeline, in-arm) updates his look in preparation for the pilgrimage.

mama i'm comin' home

(sometimes ya gotta admit, ozzie said it best ~ before the tv show, that is.)

yes.

last year, upon returning to the playa for my second round, knowing (kindof, although every year is gloriously unique) what to expect, and knowing that i loved it and that it was my home ~ my home planet, i dove in head first without looking back until i was submerged in BRC love and it permeated every cell of my core, as surely and completely as powdery playa particles permeated every inch of my surface. i was a child in a world of trust, appreciation, acceptance, self-love, expression, and freedom. intentional, mindful, and passionately in love with
every.
single.
moment.

i was who i wanted to be, and a citizen of a population who *got*me, and loved me.

i is-ed in a nowness of
delicious
lip-smacking
booty shaking
eye opening
mind popping

pure.
possibility.



upon returning, and seeing a world that seemed to me so far removed from that darn-near-close-to-utopia that i experienced on the playa, my heart immediately plummeted into a muddy murk of longing
and waiting. to return.

don't get me wrong: this has been an INCREDIBLE YEAR!
of realities coming to pass that were not so long ago filaments of the highest imagination and dreamscape.
amen and hallelujah!
i showed up for that, i promise.
but you didn't hear about it much, did you? cuz:
where's the spark? what happened to the light? my creativity: zilch. motivation: what?
the inner journey has been an uphill crawl. and i didn't always show up for that. (and i sure didn't feel like blogging about it.)
i feel older. and tired.

and i guess i been doing more dwelling and less manifesting, huh?

Y:
it's time! to return! the fire has not yet lit under my be-hind that i'm Almost Home once again, but i can hear the flick of the bic. yes, please.
playafy my hiney, wouldya? wrap me in powder, sunburn me dehydrate me nighttime desert hallucinate me and send me to bed at dawn with no sleep and do it all again the next day. rainbow kaleidoscope musical dream me to my inner is-ness till i can't tell the gorgeous difference between the you and the me and the we and the rockingness of the here and only NOW.

and when i leave that particular playa plot of dusty enlightening (in-lightning),
it is my intention, i set it right here and now ~ .
: i will bring the playa back with me.

in the Survival Guide for this year ~ the Green Man, the front page article by Larry Harvey is entitled "The Default World". this is the name that folks who share my utopian vision of BRC have labeled the REST of the year, the rest of the world, where we put on our uniforms and try to look normal. where Katrina hit and polar bears are stranded, that one guy is still in office, and "our" country is still at war. Harvey writes that, upon exiting BRC last year, there was a series of signs that read, "welcome . . to the default world: . . whose fault. . is that?"
these words spoke to me; i am guilty.
and i ask myself ~ is it only the wonderland of BRC that i missed all year this year, or was it largely that self-loving dream-living childself i left behind, powdery smiling dancing glowing now only in photos?
well, she's not allowed to selfishly stay. she's too much fun and i love her too much. i'm bringing her with me.

we have a big year coming up, i can feel it. changes coming down the pike that are gonna rock our galaxy!
so i'm setting the intention now. in front of you and who all else and the universe and everybody: i'm gonna show up like the superhero i is. i'm stepping in to the cape and wonderpowers for playatime and i'm not taking em off: there's LIFE to be lived! watch out!

"If we learn anything from Burning Man, it's that Black Rock City is ours to make in whatever image we want, and so is the rest of the world. In a very real way, the Green Man isn't the end ~ it's only the beginning."

here i come.

photos ~ choose the caption that best describes the photo:
kiddos play at night
gemini flies by break of day
shadows on the vastness
dancin as if now is now
playafoot: a symptom of a larger experience whereby the viewer realizes everything. is. art.

The Real Dirt on Farmer John

welp ~ it's been a while. here's a post i just entered on my food blog, food-a-file, and thought it was worth posting here, too:

if you love good food, you have to care about good farms ~ these are the ones where real people care about the folks who eat the food they raise, and about the impact they have on the earth and on generations of creatures after them. with industrialization, corporatization, globalization (and i'm sure we can fill that in further), the family farm has been in trouble for a long time. i opened up the Sacramento newspaper today and read an article about the local Bartlett pear crop. pear farmers say it's difficult to compete with overseas producers who pay their workers $2 to our $10-$12, and it's also hard to find laborers to do the work. "If you think you're unhappy depending on foreign oil, wait until you're dependent on foreign food," said organic pear farmer, Tim Newharth.

transgenic animals ~ not just for meat but for milk ~ are being touted as safe and soon could come to a Safeway near you ~ unlabeled. most of the soy and corn in the US is already genetically modified (and mysteriously folks are experiencing more and more allergies. . ). "USDA certified organic" continues to get watered down. we've heard plenty about e. coli in vegetables. and this doesn't even begin to get into the discussion that our food is just not nourishing us anymore; it's causing disease and degeneration. it is becoming grossly obvious that an industrialized food system doesn't work. how do we, people who love delicious, nourishing food, combat this horror? here's the first step: insist on knowing where your food comes from. vote with your dollars and invest in your local food economy ~ shop at farmers' markets, join a CSA if possible, ask questions. raise food for yourself ~ even if it's just a tomato in a barrel or an herb on your window sill ~ and savor the deep satisfaction of providing for your own need.

our household went to the Gala Premiere Opening Night of The Real Dirt on Farmer John, at Sacramento's Crest Theater. It was sponsored by Organic Sacramento and Rudolph Steiner College (where i did some volunteering on their biodynamic farm), and had lots of tables set up with information and fresh produce from local farms, wine and cheese tasting. The film was great ~ essentially an autobiography of a man after my own heart: a sentimental, quirky artist and his love-affair with the earth. inextricably intertwined is the plight of America's family farms, and the struggle and pain of actual farmers and their families. and community. the happy ending is a call to action, and so i answer ~ by echoing the call.

here's the trailer:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=sqP1SC5Tr7U

go see it! :-D

RUNNER!

my dad has been a runner all of my life. when i was a kid, we'd be driving somewhere, and if he saw someone jogging on the side of the road, my dad would say enthusiastically, "there goes a RUNNER!"

i ran a half-marathon on sunday! Sacramento's "Shamrock'n" race. this was the first time i'd ever done a sport event by myself, ever, and i was really excited just to believe i could do it, and to have signed up for it.
it was spring-forward day, so that meant i had to get up before sunrise to be at the location (Raley Field, in "West Sac", directly over the picturesque yellow bridge) on time. i was so appreciative to see the gorgeous pink sunrise that morning, to be up with the birds, riding my bike across town with the fragrant spring blossoms greeting my nose. there were some 2500 runners in the half marathon, all abuzz like bees or ants pre-race; the energy was so up! the last few minutes before the race, as everyone was congregating in their places for the horn-blow start, i closed my eyes and faced the warm sun. i was grateful to be a part of this group of people-animals who were willing to wake up early on a sunday to celebrate their functioning bodies.
though i have gotten around to doing many athletic activities in my life, i grew up believing i was *not* athletic (or graceful) (i made a trade with my 3rd & 4th grade teachers ~ i'd grade papers if they didn't make me go to P.E.). the little kid in me was in awe of this feat. the adult in me was in awe at my body's sturdy capacity to do *work* ~ i don't even really start to warm up until mile five. the first seven miles i took it very gently on my joints and rolled my feet and kept my stride short. after mile seven, and especially after mile nine, i had no doubt my joints could take it that day. i picked up my pace and was running pretty fast, for a tortoise like me. the birthday boy, Sealion, rolled up (after his nightshift and a glass of wine) looking very handsome on his bike, and accompanied me the last three miles. it was nice to have his friendship and conversation to keep my momentum up those last few miles, although i think my happiness (possibly a.k.a. runner's high!) was largely carrying my feet! we crossed the finish line inside Raley Field, on their powdery-dirt track. i pushed it those last few feet, and was so proud to hear my name called out on the PA as i crossed under the balloon-arch Finish Line.

there goes a RUNNER!


photos: who's that cheese-ball with the big grin on her face in mile 12?!
i was not tired at all, i was just hamming it up. ;)
finish line, and my time on the digital read-out.
celebrating at Cafe Bernardo with the shirt and matching finisher's glass i earned.
mr. Sealion talking on the phone during his birthday breakfast/dinner/whatever you call it after a nightshift ~ we'll call it dinner, since he's on his second beer! ;)

two side-notes ~ i employ a running technique made popular by a well-known and accomplished marathon-runner, Jeff Galloway, in which you take possibly frequent one-minute walk breaks in order to prevent joint injury. when i first started training this way, i was taking a break every five minutes. now i take one at every mile (which ends up being about every ten minutes ~ tortoise, as i said). Mr. Galloway swares that marathon runners who *take* walk breaks finish with shorter times than if they did not ~ and he's speaking in terms of hare-times; not tortoise-times. ;-D i saw quite a few fellow runners doing the same thing.
the second note that i must add is that i believe i couldn't have run this if i hadn't improved my diet over the course of the last year, and especially the past six months. last february, i was having trouble running over two miles because of joint pain (when, before, i was running four-five miles at a time, no problem). for more on this, i invite you to go to
http://www.westonaprice.org/ . . .

poem for march

Blades of grass hold droplets of dew.
I am the grass.
I am the dew.
I am the sun and its spectral-shining through.
Perfect.

crafty

wanted to share with you the bedspread i created.
i used second hand fabrics, all softy shirts and blouses that feel really good ~ silk and satin and velvety-suede-like naps.
my favorite is in the center of the pillow area ~ the blue pajama print with moons and names of the zodiac.

my "other" blog**

"If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve."
Jello Biafra

i've been busy in the kitchen ~
check out food-a-file.blogspot.com :-)


**is a broomstick!

free box

i'm quite a proponent for circulation. i try to get most of my clothes/fabric second-hand, and keep the cycle flowing. except for a very select few items that have such dense and heavy sentimental value (and costuming), i pass items along pretty readily. lots of times if an item has too much history attached, i have to let it go; it gets heavy. so ~ our household had accumulated a huge (huger than i realized, even after only being here a year & a half.. ) collection of interesting clothing/fabrics that i knew were useful/cool/pretty/nice, but just wasn't doing anything with them = block in the flow.
i set up a Free Box outside our house. i put the bunch of clothes in it that we weren't using (and a few random other odds and ends, including a Barbie carrying case which i was going to get around to redeeming/redecorating, and didn't. .and an incomplete Nativity set i was going to artfully "set free".. but didn't get around to..) . usually i would've taken this stuff to salvation army or goodwill, but i've been reading _Food_Not_Lawns [how to turn your yard into a garden, and your neighborhood into a community], by H.C. Flores, and she says: get rid of the middleman; deliver the goods to the people who will use them. i posted a handcut sign on the front (FREE) so there would be no doubts.
i have been delighted and fascinated as folks have come by and browsed over the weekend. ! i feel like i set out a (good for you) candy box, or an easter egg/scavenger hunt or something. our pint-sized neighbor, Aria (with a similar passion for costuming), immediately found the plastic backpack-style rainbow butterfly wings and flitted around their yard. :) this morning a chica with a fine style savvy drove by while i was on the front porch eating a bite. she rubber-necked, then pulled over at the next available spot. i left her to her gleaning, saying, "take it all!". i spied out at her a few times, to vicariously enjoy her discoveries ~ she was enjoying herself. a while later, i glanced to see her slink away smilingly with a whole armful of fashion.

what fun!
what else can we put in the Free Box?!

Capricorn

according to Rob:

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Oceans are not exactly teeming with life. In fact, they're mostly barren, and could rightly be called "wet deserts." Likewise, not all your emotions, even those that come in floods, are fertile. Some are automatic reactions that have discharged thousands of times since they were first programmed into you many years ago. They're mechanical, not organic. They became fixtures when you were a very different person than you are now. Identify these.

cutus adorabilis

he melteth my hearteth a million times overeth.

exposure

there's been a request!
this one's dedicated to Ms. Hannah, all the way over there in surprisingly-sometimes-muddy Iraq.
i expose myself on here and talk about personal issues sometimes. i go back and forth about that, opening myself and my feelings and personal life to possibly folks i don't even know, and those friends who might read and possibly form judgments.. but in those times when i have the courage to do so, i think: a) it's my blog, and if for no one else, it's for me to share my process, and b) we are all human, and dealing with essentially the same stuff. by sharing my process, i'm helping others to feel ok about their shit, and maybe helping them realize theirs is manageable, and that maybe they're not alone. and i think it can be a compelling story sometimes. lately i feel as if i have gotten "burned" by exposing myself, and having expectations about feedback that was not forthcoming. expectations = no good. i ran back to my little hermit-hole (very well worn, and very cozy) and let myself be shadowed as the world went about their business. in the past few days i have had some reminders from some unexpected ~ and one expected ~ sources, namely, a couple of my Friends on tribe.net, and Dream, who is ever-inspirational. on my tribe page (for those of you who haven't been), i have posted quite a few quotes that inspire me greatly. it is my place to be as bright and shining as i can imagine. many people i haven't met in person have sent me enthusiastic messages of thanks and resonance upon visiting my page. that's really cool. :) the other day, a Friend wrote to me and titled the note "light-bearer", which refers to what i say my "Occupation" is in my profile, and i mean that very sincerely. and had forgotten. not being surrounded by the ever-constant invigorating glow of my Lucent family, i had forgotten my Occupation. i had sought to be anonymous and "trudge" through my "battles" silently without fanfare or attention. although i've not performed with them for OVER A YEAR now ( :-( ), i still am on the Lucent Dossier email list. Dream sent out a questionnaire for everyone to think about their goals for the group, their visions, and ideas, in the coming year. she answered the questionnaire herself, and here's what she had to say about "what makes Lucent 'special'?":

"... what becomes clear is that.... we are different because entertainment has always been about wearing different masks to create a facade of some sort.... show girl, rockstar, sad clown.... but the people who really touch us are the ones who find a small (or large) piece of themselves and expose it to us... it requires a kind of honesty that is sometimes painful, embarrassing and always revealing beyond what our daily social structures seem to allow for us... what i see when i look out at our little community is a group of people who are exploring the allowing of self and others... to be. to just be. and what [we] as a troupe are is a brightly shining example of that... pure expression and acceptance of self.
what i seem to learn over and over again is that contrary to what i have always thought... open admission of fault, frailties and flaws... no excuses... is endearing. freeing. intriguing. it frees the voyeur to express themselves... it takes so much work to keep our flaws and mistakes undercover. how much more fun is it to just let it all rip!!!! HERE I AM. ~8-P "

the Emile Zola quote has resonated with me for a long time:
“If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I, an artist, I will answer you: "I am here to live out loud.”

and, of course, the Marianne Williamson quote, which i think is so powerful:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, Talented, fabulous? Actually,who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
A Return To Love - Marianne Williamson

i think it is emotionally tiring to be exposed. especially when i feel i so exemplify that one american Trancendental writer (who was it, Gemini?) who says something about, "i'll yell out one day my beliefs, and then the next day when they are different, i'll yell those out, too." i feel as if i'm quite contradictory, and, having it all down here for Anyone to read, it's out there to be pointed out. .. i had let the fear win. and then there's always that perfectionist tendency: as if you all thought i was perfect in the first place! :-D

so the other Friend (an acquaintance with whom i'm not in regular contact) who wrote to me on tribe said, " Tiff, You are so fucking beautiful! For a whole week, I was doing my daily routine on tribe and your face kept shining brightly at me through the thicket of my friends list etc. Your inner beauty is shining strong girl. So lovely to see it! I had to say something. xoxo "

i definitely have not been feeling beautiful lately. i have been feeling that i'm at an awkward "transition" phase of my Self and life, in which i might as well be wearing braces and a training bra all over again. but i have been trying to be honestly accepting of myself, and to present myself honestly in photos. (not the dramatic" glamour" poses as much as the sincere happiness that comes from the inside.) so ~ that email made me feel good. and being that i'm exposing myself, i thought i'd share that. :)

on the subject of "feeling beautiful," i had an epiphany very soon after my thirty-first birthday (birthdays tend to make me even more contemplative than i usually am .. ). for the past few months, upon finishing Michael Pollan's _The_Omnivore's_Dilemma_, i have been endeavoring to simply be healthy. i know what healthy eating is now, and i know what a healthy level of activity is. over the summer, i figured out how to achieve the Skinniest Tiffanie i've ever whittled. and i found that i was just as obsessed, if not more so, with keeping myself there as i was when i was *not* there. so my latest (hopefully long-term) goal is to experience what truly healthy looks like. not to look like a professional athlete (i'm not one.. ), and not to judge my Self for ebbs and flows ~ stronger weeks, and fluffier times. it is very challenging for my ego. and that's ok.
i have been whole-heartedly studying what "healthy" looks like. i have been a victim of America's twisted vision of "pretty" and "sexy" from a young age, and, through study ~ a lot through *nutritional* study (Weston A. Price's _Nutrition_and_Physical_Degeneration_, in large part), i have been forcefully escorting those opinions out of my brain and heart one-at-a-time. a couple weeks ago, i made the mistake of looking at photos too late into the night (choices that are made, and conversations that are started, after bedtime are not usually the wisest. . ). i was comparing and contrasting (very self-centeredly) my relative level of fitness in photos of me throughout the last year. yes. i was. and what i realized, perhaps for the first time since i was a child (really.), is: wow! ~ i look really strong and healthy! my legs are sturdy and can take me a great distance! my hips will serve me well! my arms are strong. and i also realized: in all these years that i have critiqued and criticized myself for things that i saw and didn't see in my physical appearance, even times when i was not as "in shape" as i am now ~ i have *always* been strong and healthy. i have been. strong. and healthy. and as i am able to extend my gaze and get just the slightest CLUE about the world around me, and the millions of folks who are dying for a meal, and all the folks who do so much with so much less, i realize once again how amazingly fortunate and blessed i am to have been born in this body: strong. and healthy.

there you go, Hannah! "thanks for noticin'." i am actually doing quite well. :)

photo: me. feeling good in my body, after a nice jog (note pink cheeks.).