gratitude on a cool, rainy almost-summer day

today the weather is gray ~ the sky is thick and low with different layers of cloud ~ gauzy fog clouds down low seemingly close enough to touch, gray rain clouds up a little higher, and at the top of my vision, a thick ceiling of clouds that hug all the other clouds down to crowd out the sun. in the distance, consistent gray. the clouds here can be deceptive in their apparent desire to linger; some days at one pm, we are thinking it's going to be gray and chilly all day, and then suddenly the "marine layer" will blow off and the sun warms everyone to short sleeves. but i think this day might start and finish gray. and chilly. i'm wearing a warm (gray ~ the only one clean!) winter hoodie-sweater and knee socks under my jeans. snuggly house shoes. i have had three different warm drinks and am contemplating the next being hot chocolate to treat myself. already put on the Jill Scott. :-)

so today, knowing that happiness is unconditional but feeling the gray clouds creep under the roof and enfold me, i extend this little thank you note ~ to those loved ones out there who electronically tap me on the shoulder, tell me you love me and insist that i answer you back. i sure do appreciate it. i love you, too.

Jill Scott

J-I-LL-S-CO-TT-~-! Speaking of booty-shakin' music, I can't get enough Jill Scott lately. I listened to her all day one day, then took a break, and listened to her all day again today! I don't want to listen so much that I get tired of it, but.. It just feels so good to me! If you'd told me a few years back I'd be listening to this woman on repeat, first I would've said, Who? But then I wouldn't have believed you, because she's just so.. so.. soulful. And... laying it all out there in a certain way. Kindof like a mature, R-n-B Ani DiFranco (whom I love), only without the big boots, purple hair or bisexual undertones (don't get me wrong: those I love, too ;-). So maybe you could say it was just a matter of time, but I've always felt so...white. and particularly non soul-ful. Bellydancing sparked in me a huge education in appreciation for beats at which to shake the booty, and, by this point, I just love soul music - classic R-n-B like Otis Redding and Aretha Franklin, Funk, like James Brown and Parliament, Jazz-based hiphop (I'm sure "they" call that something specific), Prince and Michael Jackson, and recently even quite a few contemporary R-n-B artists, such as Erykah Badu, and even Missy Elliot. Enter Jill Scott. And I haven't just left this new love on the dancefloor; I have even brought it into my singing. With a background in classical singing, I started taking voice lessons again over a year ago, saying that I wanted to sing like Aretha Franklin (now, don't laugh). I started out with straight jazz - a lot of Ella Fitzgerald, etc. In the past few months, with the encouragement and challenge of my teacher, Kathy Kennedy [ as well as the inspiration of Eva Cassidy, the soulfullest white woman I've heard], I have finally built up the nerve to try my hand at some Aretha, Chaka Khan, Whitney Houston (!), and even some blues. For a white girl who started out singing opera, I'm doing pretty good...
As a beginning bellydancer I practiced and practiced to get the hang of each move. When I danced at home, I closed my eyes and imagined embodying my teachers, Teresa and Julie, so that I could move the way they moved. Nowadays when I'm singing, I imagine that I'm Jill Scott.
"Representing lu-hu-huv!!!"

Unexpectedly Pleasant

Our dishwasher hasn't ever worked that well.  Being in a rental, with a dishwasher not required by the lease, period, we have tried to be thankful for what we have.  But.  For the last ... six months, it has been just-plain jacked.  And even  with two handy-boys in residence, it has only done better mysteriously in fits and starts.  Many a dish comes out looking like it never went in, while others come out dirtier.  Then the other day when Sealion tried to open it after a load finished, the handle broke, locking a load of "clean" dishes in there.  Our landlord usually responds promptly to calls, but must be out of town as we haven't heard from him regarding our calls about this appliance.  So we are handwashing dishes. And as much as we like cooking and eating around here... We are very quickly remembering how to make one-pot meals, and to use the same mug all day regardless of whether it's for tea, coffee, water or wine.  When I am left with the task of washing a sinkful, I find that I can put it off up until the hour before anyone else returns home to find the mess.  I have also found that I actually enjoy washing dishes by hand.  Unlike the angst-ridden chore of opening a warm dishwasher only to find half the dishes need to be rewashed anyway, washing a sinkful of dishes is straightforward and satisfying.  You start out with a pile of dirty dishes, and with some strategy and elbow grease you finish with sparkling-clean dishes and an empty, shining sink.  Add some relaxed, booty-shakin' music, and I consider it not at all a bad way to spend a half-hour or more.
 I could imagine how, if one had a full-time schedule outside the home, and didn't have a dishwasher ever, this task could quickly become a chore.  However that is not my situation.  And knowing these time-efficient boys in my life, there will be a new dishwasher in the kitchen shortly.  So I can plunge my hands into the suds deeply and relish fully, knowing it's short-term.  And when no one else (over age two) is around, I sing really loud.  ;-)

Oh, Baja!

As with any experience that moves me deeply, I am speechless. I have looked at a blank blog page for days trying to sum it up perfectly. And it's just not coming to me. So to move on from that last entry, I shall simply post some photos. There are so many good feelings in so many of the photos we took ~ Woo, Sealion, and I ~ that it is hard to choose just a few.

At the beginning of the week, Woo posed the question, "How long could you do this?" Meaning, how long could we relax, bask in the sun, loaf at the pool, float and swim in the sea, enjoy each other's company and the laid-back Baja culture, and just: not do much. When she asked, I thought, I could get bored pretty quickly... But by the end of the week I was certainly not ready to return to uptight American living (doing). It seems in America we are driven to do and do. Too, I feel as if the culture in the Bay Area is very achievement-oriented. To sit and do nothing is relegated to the end of yoga class. Our lives demand so much of us. And when external have-tos are finished, we demand even more of ourselves. Perhaps the main thing I appreciate from my experiences of Baja Sur is how slooooowed down it is. There's just not much to do. For what there is to do, there is no agenda. The culture is therapeutic in its non-expectation. The sun is the only insistent presence there; it insists you seek shade and take a nap midday. That just gives you a little extra time to wonder at the vast starry sky at night.

Ok. I guess I did have something to say. Mainly, that I wasn't ready to leave and want to go back. So it's obvious I have some major gratitude work to do, because nobody should pay the laughably high prices to live here unless they absolutely love it.

photos of a lovely vacation ~ in random order

~ many taken by Woo : )

The crew ~ what an easy group to spend a week with!

Auntie Woo

At Lumbini Gardens

The banana tree that Miles planted at Lumbini Gardens ~

and its huge flower that descends from a big ol' bunch of bananas!

I did a lot of this ~ floating in the sea.

ahhhh

sunrise from our back patio

being a mommy ~

I still get to do a lot of that while on vacation.

Woo, I noticed one thing I didn't get a photo of ~ our daily plate of heavenly chips and guacamole!

Next time!

Bits in Between

I have had a sick baby, a weekend cross-country "jaunt" by plane (visiting loved ones), a sick household, some personal stress, and some general old-fashioned Tiffie blah-blues lately. I have looked for gratitude where I could find it, have been jogging, and gardening, and have also done some grumping and hermiting. While not as active on this blog, I have written a few food posts I wanted to draw your attention to (click at right).
And I read this today and was pretty intrigued. If you were ever a fan of What the Bleep Do We Know, you'll dig it, too.
The Rice Experiment:
http://alifeprofound.wordpress.com/2010/04/26/positive-energy-begets-positive-energy/

Doing the final packing for a vacation (!) to Baja Sur, Mexico, with Woo and Miles (and Papi and Anjali, of course)!!! Though I am aware that happiness is not conditional, I can't help but think some relaxing, basking, and warm water bobbing with friends will have no trouble lifting even the most tenacious grumpies! Bajaaahhhh, here we come!!

While I'm at it, I don't know that I will manage an update on my experience with The Artist's Way, so I will just reiterate how grateful I am to have the forum Enjoy Parenthood (click at right) in my life. It is about so much more than parenting-it's about Everything! So so grateful.

(if I could I'd include a photo, but I haven't figured out how to do that by phone - as you might notice in my most recent food-a-file entry...)

Playing with my Daughter

A flood of text I sent to my husband as I was lying in bed reading and he was driving to work at 9:30pm on Saturday; thought you'd enjoy it (I don't usually post such language these days, but.. I'm sure you'll forgive me. (-; ):

I'm listening to some animal inside the wall or on the roof... breathe. And it sounds like a pig inhaling and exhaling. It is really freaky. It must be right above our heads. I hear it moving in the insulation ... What can it be?? It's really freaking me out.. It's loud.
Are we doing wrong to have the chicken feed feeding other animals??
It has walked to the other side of the roof.
Holy fuckin shit! That was intense and primally scary.
Oh fuck it's coming back this way.
Right above our heads!!!!
Sorry I know u shouldn't be reading [while driving].


What the fuck do we have living in the ceiling???
Aw great. Pretty sure more than one. Just heard a little coo-ie type noise.
Sorry. I'll quit writing.

Raccoons!!!!!
Was reading and heard a scuffle outside, then [next-door neighbor] Lorraine's voice calling "Troy!!" over and over. I go to the window and open it to stick my head out and there are two med-sized raccoons looking me in the face about 5 feet down the roof!!! One came up the side and would've come in if I'd let it! They seem totally tame, but I also think: young.
Crazy!!!!!
Now I need to go check the chickens after I get anjai back to sleep.
Intense drama!!
I like them better now that I've seen them eye to eye as raccoons. Unfair, huh? But I know we still can't encourage them..

Photo of one of the raccoons, taken with my phone! haha!:

Henhouse door closed properly, girls all roosting and accounted for.

My experience:
When something happens to someone you love (if there is even a mile between you, it feels too far and magnifies your helplessness), all the "differences" that manage to distract you into feeling un-connected quickly fall away. What's left is what you have in common, and Everything that We All Have In Common.

What a rich experience, this life on Earth.
Oh, how much it all boils down to love.

Deep and wide love from me to you.

photo: of a photo magneted to our fridge ~ mamas and baybays, BM09

Crafty: Boys in the Backyard

In order to have a garden, we quickly learned that the chickens needed some boundaries. Instead of the obvious easy solution ~ chicken wire around the beds, that sweet Sealion decided to take up a new hobby. He designed and is building, with Austin's help, a bamboo structure surrounding the raised garden beds and deck area of the backyard. If you know Sealion, this industriousness doesn't surprise you in the least. Adorable. And I love the fence! They are placing the "'boo," as he calls it, with three-inch spacing. So you can still see through it, but it creates a pleasing division of space and intimacy to that area that didn't exist before.

Since I wrote that first paragraph, the grandparents have come and gone. As usual, Sealion enlisted everyone's help in completing this project, that, as usual, turned out to be much more of a project than he originally expected (isn't that always the way with projects?! ). And now we can plant the garden! Bravo on the fine fence, fellahs! :-)

framework.

handy: synonym for sexy.

grandparents get in on the action.

Anjali and Austin model one of the two gates.

cherishing

This time.

Here, right now. A place that can be occupied only by you and me. Intimate. The sunlight glows soft. The air just cool enough to encourage snuggling. Noises and activity of downstairs and street fade into the distance. We have been here so many times before, you and I. We tumble into place with ease. Familiar. You welcome sleep just as you gulp the milk. Confident in my presence, you trust in my warmth. I melt into our comfort. Exhale. We are. Here, right now.

So blessed.

Chicken Picker-Upper

Or, as Austin called it, "Pickin' up chickens and puttin' em in her pocket!"

I am astounded by this... Scared for the chickens, but: admittedly very impressed by my daughter. She has the technique ~ of encircling their wings ~ down. And she's done it with more than one chicken. As Miles would say, "she's not scared!"

What can I say...

I like her style.

I did it!

I ran the Shamrock'n Half-Marathon. I am pleased and intrigued that my time was very close ~ within minutes ~ to the first time I ran it three years ago, even though my aim has been simply to finish both times. It feels good to show myself that I can accomplish personal goals, and also be fit, after-baby. And it just feels good to be running again. It's a familiar, pleasant, positive space for me in my body and my mind/heart.

Here's a letter I wrote to Woo about the experience. I think it sums it up well.

Thanks for your note today! The race was fun. After a long warm-up, about 7 miles. And a poopoo break at mile 9! Ha! That helped a lot! After that I had a big burst of energy and was able to pick my pace up (for fun) and really enjoy what my body is capable of. Being in that crowd of people challenging themselves in such a demonstrable way got me teary-eyed yet again. I once again felt so blessed. 1) my physical strength stamina and well-being, and that I have the capacity to regain those after a time of convalescing (treating myself gently during and after pregnancy and healing post-surgery), and 2) that I have wonderful people in my life who love and support me. Arlene and Troy (and Anjali) woke up at 5 with me to get me there and send me off with smiles, and Brian and Austin joined them at the finish line. Josh sent me an encouraging email with a photo of him and Stella cheering. My blog friend Randi sent me a sweet word of encouragement. And you were with me through the whole process, as I couldn't help but think back on that marathon and realize what an accomplishment that was for me, how hard it was(!), and how supportive and cheering you were the whole way. You did not let me down-play it for a second! :-)

Thank you!

Arlene and Brian have let us stay with them in their just-moved-into-home. Their tub has jacuzzi jets, and I treated myself to a luxurious soak post-run. Ahhh!! Arlene is cooking dinner downstairs as I type, and she made homemade mint chocolate chip ice cream in honor of my run!!! What a treat!

Having some mommy-baby and booby time

pre-race as the sun rose.

energized and dancing to the music as we gather minutes before the gun fired.

minutes after crossing the finish line.

me: mommy, and runner (and more).

gratuitous shot of anjali holding the tulips

they picked out for me at the farmers' market as i ran.

(photos by arlene)

Retrospective:

me and my body post-race at the Rock-n-Roll Marathon (26.2!)

(photo by woo lovely)

Preparation

Crawling in bed here in Sacramento for a solid night's sleep before
the Shamrock'n half marathon tomorrow morning. I have had quite a bit
of anxiety about it. As I did my last email reading for the night I
came upon a Daily Groove by Scott Noelle (of Enjoy Parenting, at
right). It said to envision a special something that opens your heart,
and practice envisioning it to become very familiar with what your
heart feels like when it is open - so that you can do it "on
command.". What I immediately thought of was Michael Franti's song,
Love Invincible. On many days when I have woken feeling blah and
desiring an uplift, I have cranked up this song and I just can't help
but dance. So tomorrow as I'm running, I intend for this to be my
soundtrack. If you think of me tomorrow, sing this song. If you don't
know it, just hum along. ; ). It's so peppy, you'll just have to give
in to dancing.

Touch me with the morning sun!
When I feel impossible, show me what is possible.
Teach me love invincible!

(come on now! come on now! show me that ya feel it! show me that you
feel it!)

Happy Birthday, Sealion!!

I am honored to share this journey of life as your partner.

gratitude for here, now

Today I'm grateful for time alone.
One of the two main assignments of The Artist's Way is to go on a weekly "date" with yourself. It must be frivolously fun - like, not an errand or item on a to-do list, or a standard workout, etc., and even better if it's an activity that feels adventurous.  Just for a couple hours a week, intentionally designated self-time to delight the inner child.

This week for my artist date I took myself to see a matinee of Alice in Wonderland ( - in 3D!!)!  As much as I love the fantastic, and of course the fantastical-er the costume and makeup the better always, this was a perfect date.  I stopped in at Guerilla Cafe beforehand and treated myself to a spicy hot chocolate in my to-go mug (and snuck it in to the theater!).  Just right.
Riding my bike there and back with my scarf flowing behind me, I felt so light and free with only myself to attend to.

Photo: upon entering the theater, you may now don the magic goggles.
A nice little less-than-2-hour journey that had me seeing the world in a slightly different way when I emerged.

gratitude for here, now

lightplay on leaves in morning sun.

Sunshine!

Naps.

And my mom ~ it's her birthday today!

gratitude for here, now

I know what I'm grateful for today! Austin's back! He was gone for six weeks - to Australia and New Zealand. I didn't mention his absence here, but I did have a fun time on my food blog writing him a series of letters called, What We Ate (while you were gone). Austin is my partner in kitchen crime. He was an inspiring muse for rhapsodizing about food.

Happy to be sharing the stove and the shopping basket with him once again.

Dear friend, welcome back home! :-)

gratitude for here, now

in my favorite cup: espresso shines in the morning sunlight.

My theme this week is gratitude. Finding gratitude always helps me return to center. Looking around at the everyday details of life, there is always room for gratitude. Always.

This morning as I looked around my immediate vicinity in search of a subject about which to express gratitude, all I could think about was how much I looked forward to having a little bit of espresso. So I decided to go ahead and be thankful that I have the means to procure something so deeply satisfying for me, just a couple blocks up the street. I have a love-hate relationship with espresso (and have had with coffee for most of my adulthood). The little angel on one shoulder reminds me that my extensive nutritional education reiterates the benefits of abstaining from caffeine. She also reminds me that, a mostly-local diet being so important to me, coffee beans are a luxury soaked in diesel fuel even if I do buy organic and fair trade. But the little devil on the other shoulder retorts that I really don't drink that much ~ it takes me days to go through a couple shots of espresso. And it is a great excuse to drink (organic) cream ~ which is encouraged in my dietary principles. And the most important thing: it helps my tortoise-ish behind get buzzing into activity in such a merry way. Oh, and it's so damned tasty. Nothing substitutes for good espresso.

So with the back and forth of living intentionally, there is gratitude in the gray area in between. And a bit of espresso with cream.

gratitude for here, now

Aha ~ there's the gratitude I was trying to share! I found it ~ in the backyard.
I'm so grateful for our lovely backyard haven, and for the creatures who reside there.
They give us joy and contentment on a daily basis.

In the first ~ Anjali feeds the chickens and they peck enthusiastically.

In the second ~ Ana emerges from the henhouse and proclaims her creation: an egg!