RUNNER!

my dad has been a runner all of my life. when i was a kid, we'd be driving somewhere, and if he saw someone jogging on the side of the road, my dad would say enthusiastically, "there goes a RUNNER!"

i ran a half-marathon on sunday! Sacramento's "Shamrock'n" race. this was the first time i'd ever done a sport event by myself, ever, and i was really excited just to believe i could do it, and to have signed up for it.
it was spring-forward day, so that meant i had to get up before sunrise to be at the location (Raley Field, in "West Sac", directly over the picturesque yellow bridge) on time. i was so appreciative to see the gorgeous pink sunrise that morning, to be up with the birds, riding my bike across town with the fragrant spring blossoms greeting my nose. there were some 2500 runners in the half marathon, all abuzz like bees or ants pre-race; the energy was so up! the last few minutes before the race, as everyone was congregating in their places for the horn-blow start, i closed my eyes and faced the warm sun. i was grateful to be a part of this group of people-animals who were willing to wake up early on a sunday to celebrate their functioning bodies.
though i have gotten around to doing many athletic activities in my life, i grew up believing i was *not* athletic (or graceful) (i made a trade with my 3rd & 4th grade teachers ~ i'd grade papers if they didn't make me go to P.E.). the little kid in me was in awe of this feat. the adult in me was in awe at my body's sturdy capacity to do *work* ~ i don't even really start to warm up until mile five. the first seven miles i took it very gently on my joints and rolled my feet and kept my stride short. after mile seven, and especially after mile nine, i had no doubt my joints could take it that day. i picked up my pace and was running pretty fast, for a tortoise like me. the birthday boy, Sealion, rolled up (after his nightshift and a glass of wine) looking very handsome on his bike, and accompanied me the last three miles. it was nice to have his friendship and conversation to keep my momentum up those last few miles, although i think my happiness (possibly a.k.a. runner's high!) was largely carrying my feet! we crossed the finish line inside Raley Field, on their powdery-dirt track. i pushed it those last few feet, and was so proud to hear my name called out on the PA as i crossed under the balloon-arch Finish Line.

there goes a RUNNER!


photos: who's that cheese-ball with the big grin on her face in mile 12?!
i was not tired at all, i was just hamming it up. ;)
finish line, and my time on the digital read-out.
celebrating at Cafe Bernardo with the shirt and matching finisher's glass i earned.
mr. Sealion talking on the phone during his birthday breakfast/dinner/whatever you call it after a nightshift ~ we'll call it dinner, since he's on his second beer! ;)

two side-notes ~ i employ a running technique made popular by a well-known and accomplished marathon-runner, Jeff Galloway, in which you take possibly frequent one-minute walk breaks in order to prevent joint injury. when i first started training this way, i was taking a break every five minutes. now i take one at every mile (which ends up being about every ten minutes ~ tortoise, as i said). Mr. Galloway swares that marathon runners who *take* walk breaks finish with shorter times than if they did not ~ and he's speaking in terms of hare-times; not tortoise-times. ;-D i saw quite a few fellow runners doing the same thing.
the second note that i must add is that i believe i couldn't have run this if i hadn't improved my diet over the course of the last year, and especially the past six months. last february, i was having trouble running over two miles because of joint pain (when, before, i was running four-five miles at a time, no problem). for more on this, i invite you to go to
http://www.westonaprice.org/ . . .

poem for march

Blades of grass hold droplets of dew.
I am the grass.
I am the dew.
I am the sun and its spectral-shining through.
Perfect.

crafty

wanted to share with you the bedspread i created.
i used second hand fabrics, all softy shirts and blouses that feel really good ~ silk and satin and velvety-suede-like naps.
my favorite is in the center of the pillow area ~ the blue pajama print with moons and names of the zodiac.

my "other" blog**

"If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve."
Jello Biafra

i've been busy in the kitchen ~
check out food-a-file.blogspot.com :-)


**is a broomstick!

free box

i'm quite a proponent for circulation. i try to get most of my clothes/fabric second-hand, and keep the cycle flowing. except for a very select few items that have such dense and heavy sentimental value (and costuming), i pass items along pretty readily. lots of times if an item has too much history attached, i have to let it go; it gets heavy. so ~ our household had accumulated a huge (huger than i realized, even after only being here a year & a half.. ) collection of interesting clothing/fabrics that i knew were useful/cool/pretty/nice, but just wasn't doing anything with them = block in the flow.
i set up a Free Box outside our house. i put the bunch of clothes in it that we weren't using (and a few random other odds and ends, including a Barbie carrying case which i was going to get around to redeeming/redecorating, and didn't. .and an incomplete Nativity set i was going to artfully "set free".. but didn't get around to..) . usually i would've taken this stuff to salvation army or goodwill, but i've been reading _Food_Not_Lawns [how to turn your yard into a garden, and your neighborhood into a community], by H.C. Flores, and she says: get rid of the middleman; deliver the goods to the people who will use them. i posted a handcut sign on the front (FREE) so there would be no doubts.
i have been delighted and fascinated as folks have come by and browsed over the weekend. ! i feel like i set out a (good for you) candy box, or an easter egg/scavenger hunt or something. our pint-sized neighbor, Aria (with a similar passion for costuming), immediately found the plastic backpack-style rainbow butterfly wings and flitted around their yard. :) this morning a chica with a fine style savvy drove by while i was on the front porch eating a bite. she rubber-necked, then pulled over at the next available spot. i left her to her gleaning, saying, "take it all!". i spied out at her a few times, to vicariously enjoy her discoveries ~ she was enjoying herself. a while later, i glanced to see her slink away smilingly with a whole armful of fashion.

what fun!
what else can we put in the Free Box?!

Capricorn

according to Rob:

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Oceans are not exactly teeming with life. In fact, they're mostly barren, and could rightly be called "wet deserts." Likewise, not all your emotions, even those that come in floods, are fertile. Some are automatic reactions that have discharged thousands of times since they were first programmed into you many years ago. They're mechanical, not organic. They became fixtures when you were a very different person than you are now. Identify these.

cutus adorabilis

he melteth my hearteth a million times overeth.

exposure

there's been a request!
this one's dedicated to Ms. Hannah, all the way over there in surprisingly-sometimes-muddy Iraq.
i expose myself on here and talk about personal issues sometimes. i go back and forth about that, opening myself and my feelings and personal life to possibly folks i don't even know, and those friends who might read and possibly form judgments.. but in those times when i have the courage to do so, i think: a) it's my blog, and if for no one else, it's for me to share my process, and b) we are all human, and dealing with essentially the same stuff. by sharing my process, i'm helping others to feel ok about their shit, and maybe helping them realize theirs is manageable, and that maybe they're not alone. and i think it can be a compelling story sometimes. lately i feel as if i have gotten "burned" by exposing myself, and having expectations about feedback that was not forthcoming. expectations = no good. i ran back to my little hermit-hole (very well worn, and very cozy) and let myself be shadowed as the world went about their business. in the past few days i have had some reminders from some unexpected ~ and one expected ~ sources, namely, a couple of my Friends on tribe.net, and Dream, who is ever-inspirational. on my tribe page (for those of you who haven't been), i have posted quite a few quotes that inspire me greatly. it is my place to be as bright and shining as i can imagine. many people i haven't met in person have sent me enthusiastic messages of thanks and resonance upon visiting my page. that's really cool. :) the other day, a Friend wrote to me and titled the note "light-bearer", which refers to what i say my "Occupation" is in my profile, and i mean that very sincerely. and had forgotten. not being surrounded by the ever-constant invigorating glow of my Lucent family, i had forgotten my Occupation. i had sought to be anonymous and "trudge" through my "battles" silently without fanfare or attention. although i've not performed with them for OVER A YEAR now ( :-( ), i still am on the Lucent Dossier email list. Dream sent out a questionnaire for everyone to think about their goals for the group, their visions, and ideas, in the coming year. she answered the questionnaire herself, and here's what she had to say about "what makes Lucent 'special'?":

"... what becomes clear is that.... we are different because entertainment has always been about wearing different masks to create a facade of some sort.... show girl, rockstar, sad clown.... but the people who really touch us are the ones who find a small (or large) piece of themselves and expose it to us... it requires a kind of honesty that is sometimes painful, embarrassing and always revealing beyond what our daily social structures seem to allow for us... what i see when i look out at our little community is a group of people who are exploring the allowing of self and others... to be. to just be. and what [we] as a troupe are is a brightly shining example of that... pure expression and acceptance of self.
what i seem to learn over and over again is that contrary to what i have always thought... open admission of fault, frailties and flaws... no excuses... is endearing. freeing. intriguing. it frees the voyeur to express themselves... it takes so much work to keep our flaws and mistakes undercover. how much more fun is it to just let it all rip!!!! HERE I AM. ~8-P "

the Emile Zola quote has resonated with me for a long time:
“If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I, an artist, I will answer you: "I am here to live out loud.”

and, of course, the Marianne Williamson quote, which i think is so powerful:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, Talented, fabulous? Actually,who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
A Return To Love - Marianne Williamson

i think it is emotionally tiring to be exposed. especially when i feel i so exemplify that one american Trancendental writer (who was it, Gemini?) who says something about, "i'll yell out one day my beliefs, and then the next day when they are different, i'll yell those out, too." i feel as if i'm quite contradictory, and, having it all down here for Anyone to read, it's out there to be pointed out. .. i had let the fear win. and then there's always that perfectionist tendency: as if you all thought i was perfect in the first place! :-D

so the other Friend (an acquaintance with whom i'm not in regular contact) who wrote to me on tribe said, " Tiff, You are so fucking beautiful! For a whole week, I was doing my daily routine on tribe and your face kept shining brightly at me through the thicket of my friends list etc. Your inner beauty is shining strong girl. So lovely to see it! I had to say something. xoxo "

i definitely have not been feeling beautiful lately. i have been feeling that i'm at an awkward "transition" phase of my Self and life, in which i might as well be wearing braces and a training bra all over again. but i have been trying to be honestly accepting of myself, and to present myself honestly in photos. (not the dramatic" glamour" poses as much as the sincere happiness that comes from the inside.) so ~ that email made me feel good. and being that i'm exposing myself, i thought i'd share that. :)

on the subject of "feeling beautiful," i had an epiphany very soon after my thirty-first birthday (birthdays tend to make me even more contemplative than i usually am .. ). for the past few months, upon finishing Michael Pollan's _The_Omnivore's_Dilemma_, i have been endeavoring to simply be healthy. i know what healthy eating is now, and i know what a healthy level of activity is. over the summer, i figured out how to achieve the Skinniest Tiffanie i've ever whittled. and i found that i was just as obsessed, if not more so, with keeping myself there as i was when i was *not* there. so my latest (hopefully long-term) goal is to experience what truly healthy looks like. not to look like a professional athlete (i'm not one.. ), and not to judge my Self for ebbs and flows ~ stronger weeks, and fluffier times. it is very challenging for my ego. and that's ok.
i have been whole-heartedly studying what "healthy" looks like. i have been a victim of America's twisted vision of "pretty" and "sexy" from a young age, and, through study ~ a lot through *nutritional* study (Weston A. Price's _Nutrition_and_Physical_Degeneration_, in large part), i have been forcefully escorting those opinions out of my brain and heart one-at-a-time. a couple weeks ago, i made the mistake of looking at photos too late into the night (choices that are made, and conversations that are started, after bedtime are not usually the wisest. . ). i was comparing and contrasting (very self-centeredly) my relative level of fitness in photos of me throughout the last year. yes. i was. and what i realized, perhaps for the first time since i was a child (really.), is: wow! ~ i look really strong and healthy! my legs are sturdy and can take me a great distance! my hips will serve me well! my arms are strong. and i also realized: in all these years that i have critiqued and criticized myself for things that i saw and didn't see in my physical appearance, even times when i was not as "in shape" as i am now ~ i have *always* been strong and healthy. i have been. strong. and healthy. and as i am able to extend my gaze and get just the slightest CLUE about the world around me, and the millions of folks who are dying for a meal, and all the folks who do so much with so much less, i realize once again how amazingly fortunate and blessed i am to have been born in this body: strong. and healthy.

there you go, Hannah! "thanks for noticin'." i am actually doing quite well. :)

photo: me. feeling good in my body, after a nice jog (note pink cheeks.).

http://www.globalcommunity.org/flash/wombat.shtml

feeling poignant

sweetly and speechlessly.
to the tune of Brett Dennen's "Nothing Lasts Forever."





photo: lights and the reflection of lights

christmas!

(title sung in 60's back-up choir falcetto)

it's Christmastime here at "the" 510.
Mackindaddy hung lights on the front porch (photo to come), and last night the two of them, he and Gyrlene, arrived home with a tree. the center room is filled with boxes in different stages of wrapped-ness (Gyrlene has little nieces, so we even have toys!), and now this tree. i haven't lived in a house with a real christmas tree since.. high school, i think. and it makes me feel grown-up, somehow. that now it's Our job to seek out the tree.
as of yet, it has a single ornament (that's when we decided it was time to get a tree ~ Gyrlene got an ornament as a gift from a co-worker), and fills the house with the smell of Tree.
Gyrlene and i (as i previously posted) love to listen to christmas music. we blast it every evening as we prepare dinner. my most recent iTunes music purchase: Motown Christmas. my favorite song from that is The Temptations' version of Rudolph. it cracks me up.

photos: Mackindaddy brings home The Tree,
the boys (Sealion in his handsome work-clothes) fix The Tree,
everybody very excited about The Tree,
the Mack and Gyrl posing with the minimalistically-decorated Tree,
how Gyrlene really feels about The Tree ~ she was moving so much i had to use flash in all the photos.. (she's so cute..)

"hey, Rudolph!"

Winter Abundance

although i do have a blog solely devoted to food, i can't help but spread the love around.

we are members of a CSA ~ Community Supported Agriculture, which means that every week we get a box of fresh-from-the-field (or orchard, etc.) produce just for us. it's like opening a gift every week, to see what delicious pretty goodies are in that wax-covered produce box. the boxes are deposited at a drop-off location for a group of us; in our case, it's in back of someone's house on 49th Street (with a little hot-dog dog who is very proud of his guard dog abilities and his powerful vocal chords. ;). the farm we receive these blessings from is called Full Belly Farm, in agriculture-rich Capay Valley.

http://www.fullbellyfarm.com/index.html

the produce brings sunshine and bright color to our Wintertime kitchen. it's a fun challenge to use what Nature gives us every week, as opposed to just choosing whatever we feel like from the grocery. it forces us to eat with the seasons, and to use veggies that we might not otherwise choose to eat (lots of times for weeks in a row.. ;)

i have been particularly taken this week with the luscious colors and variety that is Winter.

this week i made a broth predominantly from leeks that i then used as the base of the soup that i called Winter Bounty soup; it was, indeed, bountiful, using all fresh ingredients except the tomato paste (although we still have tomatoes in our backyard! amazing!) it had: onions and garlic (of course), broccoli, carrots, fennel, kale, plus the stock that included sweet pototo, leek, turnip, green garlic, and onions and garlic.
another night i prepared this rich-colored roasted roots (and squash). so pretty. the target-looking disc with the rings is a beet called chioggia. it is bright pink-red(beet colored) and white striped when raw.

welcome, Henry!

our extended family has grown by one gorgeous happy baby boy!!
a coupla of my favorite people, Cara and Chris, have introduced Henry Matthew to the Earth this time around.
blessings blessings blessings and kisses and love.
so happy!


and a song dedicated to Henry: "Day by Day" by Brett Dennen. sweet for sweet. :)

gratitude in Wintertime

throughout the day, the gray has rained, drizzled, poured and given way to still, puddling cold.
the kitties rush in through their kittie door, exhilarated. soaked with the thrill of weather!

Wintertime has arrived in Sacramento.

the other night, we walked up the steps to the house as blustery wind threatened to carry the umbrella away, with the first downpour since.. april.
mackindaddy said, "here's winter!" with a hint of sarcasm.
and i said, "no! this is just a rainy night!" and he said, "hate to break it to ya, but ~ it's winter."

as you might recall, i am endeavoring to make peace with Winter Gray, and cold, this season. and it has arrived.
so in the spirit of gratitude, today i write you:

Things I Love About Wintertime.
now ~ this IS Sacramento. i don't really speak from experience of "real cold", as those Chicagoans pride themselves in knowing (or Massachusettonians get snowed-in from), i'm just talking about the not-sunny, wet and space-heater variety.

~~ hot tea. i loooooove hot tea. lots of different kinds. i love to curl up with my big Alice in Wonderland Cup (which could be called a bowl with a handle) and let the fragrant steam warm my face. i like to wrap my hands around the mug. and i like to take my Nalgene jug filled with hot tea anywhere i go, so that i can have hot tea, but also so that i can have that warm jug close by. :) warmie.
~~ Christmas lights. back in the day, i was proud of my anti-consumerist, anti-materialist angst about Christmastime and the accompanying mad purchasing frenzy. but i have been removed from that part of our culture for long enough now, watch a t.v., and visit a mall so rarely that i have been able to revisit and appreciate the "simpler" joys of the season. at this gray time of year when there are not that many flowers to smile at, and it gets dark so early, Christmas lights make me happy.
~~ spices. spices warm you from the inside out.
~~hot spiced cider. is my new favorite treat. Gyrlene, my new favorite housemate, and i have been simmering apple cider with mulling spices on chilly afternoons. the other day i had to go for a long run in the cold drizzle (i didn't have to, but i chose to. ;) and pretty much all through that jog, i was thinking about sipping that hot spiced cider when i got back.
~~ cozy. yup. i love having even more of an excuse to snuggle!! this is the cheesiest of all (i can see a coupla you rolling your eyes at this one) but it's the truth! pile on the warm, snuggly bodies, the blankets, the purring fur-puddles!
~~ this goes along with cozy (just like cozy goes with hot tea ~ go figure. !), but ~ soft textured clothes ~ velvet, soft (not scratchy!) sweaters, scarves, and seeing just how many different brightly-colored luxurious textures i can layer on my body in one outfit! soft warm cushy socks! nothing beats summertime around-the-house-wear for efficiency: a bikini top and skirt is all i need. but i love all the textures that just feeel sooo gooood in winter.
~~ down. this deserves a squiggly line all its own. down coats, vests, sleepingbags and comforters rock. i love how fluffy they are. and you just know that as soon as you're inside, cold is immediately non-existent. my life-time wishlist includes a down comforter.
~~ Christmas carols. it's true. and what's even more delightful than being able to have a roadtrip sing-along with mr. Sealion to Bing Crosby and the Rat Pack (complete with creative new lyrics and harmonizing!), is hearing Gyrlene belt it out to Mariah Carey's christmas album. i sware. it would make you smile, too. she sings in the shower, too. and i can't help but stop whatever i'm doing (i am usually in the kitchen when i can hear her in her shower) and just listen b/c it is so obvious that she enjoys it so damn much. makes my heart well up just thinking about it. :)
~~ i guess it must mean that i'm getting older, b/c this season as the leaves began to change, and the weather began to cool, intermittent with my feelings of panic about the sunshine going away, i felt a hint of.. relief. i am realizing that, as is true with Nature (which we are, of course, a part of), Wintertime is really a time of rest. summer carries this anxious *drive* with its long hours, vivid colors and ripening heat: do do do!!! go go go!! the sun is still up! there is more that can be done with this day!! Wintertime is a chance to rebuild, nurture, heal and restore all that was exhausted and over-used in the heat of Summertime.
[i have heard a theory that, with artificial lighting, people don't get that natural impetus to sleep long nights in the winter. it's like our bodies are in a year-round summer that has us craving even more of those high-sugar foods we have an excess of these days (b/c naturally, high-sugar foods (fruits) mainly happen in the summer ~ when we're needing their energy to do more work with more daylight). with our internal clocks chronically messed up, and craving and eating more than we need, we are depressed and overweight. there are so many theories, but this one, on its surface, makes sense to me.. ]
~~ soup.
borcht. soothing squash puree. .. carrot. . . black bean. i love soup. (i even emailed Alfalfa restaurant to ask for their Gold Coast Stew recipe. . they sent it to me! :-D)
~~ i love to snuggle under the puffy, fluffy, piled-on covers with a touch of a chill in the bedroom air surrounding me. i call the kitties in, and sooner or later they're purring warmly (~ or not. . thanks to the late night magic that the kittie-door has presented. . Kitty's favorite spot lately is hogging the pillow, or right on my chest, and Rodolfo sometimes goes for behind the knees). i like to stick an arm out and feel ~ just for an instant ~ how cold i would be if it weren't for how warm and snuggly the covers are!!
~~ Christmas ales. seems like every brewery has their own version of an intensely-flavored, high-alcohol brew that comes up through the back of my eyes, gives a pink to my cheeks and a kick to my step. i haven't had one that didn't make me happy yet. ;) Anchor's is my favorite so far this season.
~~ bread and cheese!!! thinking i was benefitting my health and happiness, i denied myself of these staple deliciousnesses (beer, too ~ believe it or not.. ) for a year. and, as you might expect, once i returned, i am passionate. Summertime is all about salads and fresh, crisp produce as raw as you can get it, but, to me ~ Wintertime foods like to be warm and soothy, and also hearty, substantial, and filling.
my favorite place to be right now is in the Ferry Building market on San Francisco's Embarcadero, at Cowgirl Creamery ~ sampling cheeses to go with warm crusty brown bread (from Acme next door!).

wow! what a list! what yummy food and drink! what warm, soothy feelings!
i can always take back these words, but this season i am realizing that: as much as i love summer ~ its warmth and sunshine and color, aspects of Wintertime living are ones i care not to do without.

photos:

Rodolfo snuggles up to the warm keyboard..
Gyrlene prepares some warmy yumness involving roasted squash.
outside the Ferry Building this saturday: mr. Sealion (playing with fire) and i, warm and spicy from the inside-out, with the sparkley bridge in the background.
Chris cozies with the fire.
mi Mami and me at cookie-bake time!! (a storied Wintertime favorite. :)
a post-jog brew (Anchor).

soundtrack:
when they sing Jingle Bells in the car in A Christmas Story. i love the mom. she cracks me up.

continued:

please visit my "other" blog, food-a-file, to see what's new in the kitchen.

photo: me at my mama's, with my pretty new apron she made and embroidered. :)

Hannah!

today i'd like to send a special shout-out across the world to that astounding outrageous incredible:



Hannah.
she and her hubby, Bryan, are in the army band, stationed in Iraq.
she sings in a rock-n-roll band for the troops, and rides around in helicopters, real humvees, and such.
she carries a gun and wears army fatigues and pees in a portapotty. everyday.
and the most amazing thing is that she sends frequent witty, interesting letters to friends and family which are filled with sunshine and gratitude.

HANNAH ROCKS!!

i don't think she'd mind if i shared her photoblog address: http://photo.xanga.com/HopMaup/
there you can see her totally rockin' out with the band.


photos:
Hannah by candlelight in our backyard.
Bryan and Hannah at Our Favorite Breakfast Place: The Fox and Goose
(taken in july when the visited, very soon to be deployed.)

letting go..

of "control"

of expectation

of . . . . . . . (fill in your blank here)

feels like diving into water that you didn't even dip your toe into beforehand.

and knowing that your body will make it up to the air in time for a breath.

rollin'

i bought a pair of rollerskates!!!
ROLLERSKATES.
on a whim, they found me at goodwill a coupla weeks ago, $9.99.
the perfect fit, "Britney" 4 Wheelers.
it's a gorgeous day here in sunny (in the summer) sacramento, and i finally got the nerve to take em for a ride.
my friend, Tiff (who does not have an Official Blog Code Name yet ~whattaya think, Tiff?), suggested that i should wear striped socks, so of course i had to (over top the kneepads).
then once i got out there i realized i was drawing attention to my maiden voyage probably since i was.... 13. i loved rollerskating when i was a kid. i cruised around in my basement, with my girlfriends, for hours at a time (with our shirts off! what freedom!), and even had a rollerskating BIRTHDAY PARTY!! my mom made me a little purple velvet ice-scating-type skirt with a little rollerskate embroidery iron-on. so cool. so cool!
well, i didn't bite it. sacramento is.. .FLAT, and there are bike lanes on everyother street. perfect. though the yellow crunchy leaves and debris did create a more mentally-focused ride than i had envisioned; i had to keep my eyes on the street the entire time.
it sure did bring back memories ~ more than memories, just the *feeling* of Tiffie. i could remember the way i felt in my little skirt, and the way i felt at my rollerskating party, the way my booty just can't help but stick out. have you seen that .. . candy bar commercial with the business folks dressed in their suits who open up their candy bar at the business meeting and you can see under the table that they're little kids whose feet don't reach the floor (yeah yeah yeah. i am admitting to seeing some TV.. and to enjoying the advertisement of a transnational corporation.. ~it's a funny commercial, i think)? that's the way i felt. up top i was . . myself now (with a shirt on).. and down below i was wearing that purple velvety skirt with the little rollerskate embroidery.
(maybe it's a magazine ad.. not sure.. )


rollin'!

the sun is always shining,
no matter how dark the clouds overhead.

honesty: about Dad

i have such overwhelming love for my Dad, and such barriers to showing him. our communication is a stubborn negative feedback loop with overtones of polite disinterest. reminiscing on my bold open brightness in the desert seems as if it might as well be the other planet it feels like when i'm there, b/c i feel as if i have as little access to her ~ the person i am there, the person i want to be always ~ as i would access to another planet when i am around my Dad. i want courage, but most of all, i simply want to relax. i let my Dad see so little of me, with the excuse that he wouldn't understand. and the only thing that's gotten me is a Dad i haven't seen in almost a year who has barely any inkling of who his daughter is.
i could go on and on about this, and it would get me a late night and a messy keyboard. i just felt i needed to have at least enough courage to name some things out loud. be responsible for at least a little of the two way street i navigate so poorly with my papa.
how is it we can be so Huge and Full Force with our beliefs and convictions ~ until it comes to those who matter most? i admire some of you who do not have this situation in your lives. my main goal: to live love and be. the values i try to follow: that other people's shit is their shit; that how they act, and how they see me are manifestations of their own perceptions, and doesn't have to effect me unless i choose to allow it. to be as present as possible at all times. to live my highest self at every moment ~ and be compassionate to myself when that's less than i'd wish. that everyone is a divine being: either seeking to receive love, or seeking to give love. every moment is The Moment, everything else: stories.
ok. so at this moment i choose to stop chastizing myself. that's my first step.
understand that i am motivated by love. i love my Dad. the little kitten in me loves the Daddy in him. the adult (yes ~ i am an adult) Tiffanie seeks to connect with the adult Dad in unity and love. this is what we're here for. not just to talk about the weather patterns off the opposite coasts, or .. what? WHAT??
love.

love.

love.

it's not lipservice. it's not me trying not to seem "weird" (how did i think i was gonna succeed at that anyway?), or simply "get through" the visit. it's not me covering up for anything b/c
i love myself.
i love my life.
i am proud of myself.
i am proud of my life.
i have nothing, truly, to hide. (as if he actually thought i was a republican! ;)
i am confident in the choices i have made.
and dammit i'm a good person!
let go.
let go.
let go.
let it go.
let it go.

let it go.

and another quote b/c we know i love those quotes:

"By letting go;
it all gets done.
The world is won
by those who let go.
But when you
try and try,
the world is
beyond winning."
~Lao Tzu

envoking the brightest light-bridge i can envision, i send it warmly to my Dad, who is probably sleeping.

from my heart to your heart.
this is all i want to say:
Dad, I love you.
Dad, I love you.

I love you, Dad.